Decline unwanted hand-me-downs, no explanations needed

ar Miss Manners: Since announcing my first pregnancy to close friends and family, I have been inundated with offers of free baby equipment. Most of these offers come up naturally in conversation.

I don’t want to appear ungrateful, but I was looking forward to the experience of getting everything new — something I rarely allow myself in life, plus I am an older mother and able to provide for myself better than I would have been a decade ago. Aside from that, I am simply unfamiliar with a lot of these supplies and don’t know if I want them, nor if I have the space to store them.

And to be honest, babies are messy and I don’t know that I want used items; I’d rather see them go to someone without means. My hesitation is usually followed up with an admonition that I’ll change my tune once I realize how expensive baby stuff is. How do I grace fully decline or rebuff these requests without offending?

Gentle Reader: Without explanation. You are only inciting a smug- parent war and, as you will see, your life will soon be filled with those.

“Thank you, no, I already have more than I need,” is a sufficient answer. But if these parents insist, Miss Manners recommends that you then discreetly donate the items or give them away, so as to avoid a lecture. Having your water break is also a good distraction.

Dear Miss Manners: I do vocational training with the cognitively disabled and people suffering from mental illness. When a co-worker came to me and said a client had asked her for candy, I told the client that it was not acceptable to ask people to give him candy, though he could accept candy if it were offered to him.

Was Ito o hard on the client? Is it acceptable to ask people to give you candy?

Gentle Reader: Only, it seems, if you preface it by saying, “Trick or treat!”

Since you are working with these clients on vocational skills, it seems to Miss Manners that teaching them practical behavioral and social practices would be at the top of that list. Doing it with kindness and a certain amount of indulgence, however, is obviously preferable.

Dear Miss Manners: My dear friend’s father recently passed away. I had never met the deceased, but I was close to my friend throughout his father’s final illness, and plan to attend the funeral.

Because the funeral will be held out of state and involve significant travel, he does not expect me to attend. Should I inform him in advance that I will be making the trip?

Showing up unannounced feels like staging an ill-timed and selfaggrandizing “surprise!” However, a special conversation about it feels selfcentered in his time of grief, and obliges him to appear grateful for some future and unasked-for act of chivalry.

Gentle Reader: Send a condolence letter that includes a version of the statement, “I will see you at the funeral.” Not giving your friend the chance to protest yo ur efforts is not only kind, but correct.Af uneral is the rare social event, Miss Manners points out, that does not require a response. Or — one can only hope — much advanced notice.