It’s definitely time to land that helicopter

I’m concerned about being too protective. I hover around my kid at the playground and constantly tell him to be careful when playing at home or outside. How do I encourage safe play without controlling my kid or imparting my own fears on him?

This is an important question, and the fact that you want to stretch the limits of your bravery says a lot about your parenting.

We struggle with how much freedom to give our children. What is hindering us? Neuroscientists and social scientists are only beginning to understand how the 24/7 news cycle does odd things to our parenting brains. And there’s also the stress that carrying computers in our pockets all day brings to us.

But the good news is that parents are starting to see what all this hovering is doing to our young children. We see the anxiety and neediness we create when we follow our children around. Parents are watching their children turn to screens and gaming as their primary forms of entertainment, which makes them restless and bored. Being outside scares some children! They cannot create toys out of found objects, and it takes them a long time to find the imaginations that used to be readily available to them.

Here’s the deal: Play cannot be totally safe if it is true play. Some element of danger or challenge, either physical or mental, is needed for children to feel that they are truly playing. Why is this? True play pushes children to their growing edge.

Resilience in children grows when they make it through a tough spot while playing, but resilience also grows when they need help. It is OK for a child to be challenged and need parental assistance. That’s how they feel true boundaries. If parents are always creating false boundaries, the child doesn’t learn or feel what is real or what is truly needed.

Can you let it go too far? Yes, of course. The freedoms you allow are based on the developmental maturity of your child, not necessarily on age. There are children who need a bit more guidance and supervision (because of sensory issues, for instance), but that doesn’t mean that you can’t help them discover their own growing edge.

The entire point of parenthood is to support these young humans growing to their fullest potential, and that requires them to separate from us, both physically and emotionally. Hovering is not love; it is insecurity dressed up as caring.

You have the power to make another choice, so be brave and be more like a drone than a helicopter: Nearby, but at a greater distance. Communicate confidence, and comfort the child when the play goes south. Children of all ages need the freedom to make mistakes. Good luck.