The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Tween takes pandemic frustrations out on brother
Offering love and support instead of punishment can help.
Q: My 12-year-old daughter is usually a very kind and thoughtful person who gets along well with her 10-year-old brother. After more than a month of isolation, though, she is mostly sick of him, while he still thinks the world of her. About half of the time, her tone when responding to him is snappish, sarcastic or dismissive. We would normally take her phone away, but right now, I don’t want to deprive her of her lifeline to her friends, so we’ve been asking her to leave the room until she can respond politely.
In general, during isolation, we’ve been trying to give extra cuddles, have nightly family time and follow the kids’ lead in terms of spending time with them vs. allowing them to virtually hang with their friends. I would like a better way to deal with this targeted moodiness, though, because it’s really affecting family time. Thanks!
A: As I type this, most families have been trapped together for about eight weeks because of the coronavirus. It is a given that we love our children and we love (mostly) being with them, but many siblings are struggling.
Even without the pandemic, siblings fight. A lot. There are so many frustrations in children’s daily lives: friend misunderstandings, teacher irritations, learning issues and more. They hold on to these frustrations, and boom! Out comes that energy on brother or sister. Siblings are the easy place to dump all this negative energy, and sometimes, the fighting can become habitual and problematic. But mostly, siblings fight on and off until they leave the house, hopefully with the trajectory of peace as they mature.
As for your 12-yearold daughter, we know that she is at an age that is hormonally and emotionally turbulent. She may have already started her period, or she may be a couple of years off, but either way, you can help her understand her body and emotions. I love the amaze.org videos, as well as the book “Celebrate Your Body (and Its Changes, Too!): The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls” by Sonya Renee Taylor. While you will build some boundaries between the siblings, it goes a long way to support your daughter as she rides the roller coaster toward her teen years.
As for her relationship with her brother, I am glad you realized that punishment is not the solution here. If the definition of punishment is inflicting harm and suffering, then we can immediately see how that is not what we want to do to make her “better” for her brother. Also, because a 12-year-old is often connected to her peers, taking her phone away is tantamount to an act of war.
I love that you have been connecting with her more; that is the answer. In a pandemic, and always, connection is the vehicle for cooperation. Part of this connection, though, is loving boundaries for both siblings.
First, I would attune to the back-and-forth of your children. If your daughter is particularly prickly in a moment or a certain day, you need to get in there and run interference. You know the saying: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I’m not suggesting everyone needs to walk on eggshells around your daughter, but you can help your son immensely by spotting when your daughter needs some space.
As for your daughter, you can absolutely correct her when she has crossed the line with her brother. Say, “Rachel! Tone,” or, “Whoa, I hear sarcasm. What is it that you really need, Rachel?” Whatever you say, resist the need to lecture. If she cannot change her attitude, take her aside and address her privately.
As you spend more one-on-one time with her, please highlight everything she is doing well. It is easy to grow annoyed with 12-year-olds and their rudeness, so be sure to specifically point out what is working.
Then, let her know that you are aware of the sass, and you will always step in. Your daughter is allowed to have her feelings, but she’s not allowed to be chronically rude.
We are in a hard time, so dance with all of this. Every snappish comment doesn’t need a response, and you can encourage both children to see that this is family: ups and downs, back-and-forths. Good luck.