BREAKING THROUGH THE PARENTAL PANDEMIC WALL

We have all continued to slog through this time of the coronavirus, but in the past couple of weeks — as we approach the one-year pandemic anniversary — I have seen a new level of exhaustion and sadness wash across parents. I believe that these amplified feelings of distress are related to the rise in grief that we typically feel around loss milestones.

This ongoing time of uncertainty is parallel to grief, says Katie Hurley, child and adolescent psychotherapist and author.

“Though we associate the grief process with death, it also applies to other forms of loss. For many, this pandemic feels like a series of losses, with no clear endpoint in sight,” she says. Grief “can include shifting emotions that feel unpredictable. It can also feel a lot like emotional pins and needles: The feelings are there, but you’re not sure what to make of them.”

So how do we help our kids and ourselves through this grief-laden milestone? How do we find the strength to keep going through the remaining long haul of waiting for vaccinations and continuing through the slog of continued isolation, nonstop disruption and so many feelings?

1. Respect all feelings.

I keep reminding parents that all feelings — the ones we’re experiencing ourselves and those of our kids — are valid. People process and express feelings differently, and the perception of loss will vary by personality, age and circumstances. Just as it’s not productive to force kids to be happy, we can’t expect people to process grief the same way.

2. Be a helper.

A little kindness goes a long way — for both parties. Julie Lythcotthaims, author of“how to Raise an Adult”and the forthcoming “Your Turn: How to Be an Adult,” encourages people to be helpers as a way to cope with difficult times. “Stepping outside of our struggle, and even grief, to ask of ourselves, ‘What does my partner or kid or parent or friend or co-worker or neighbor or even this stranger need right now?’ And doing that thing graciously, patiently and with a smile is a great way both to make someone else’s day and to regain a sense of control for ourselves, which we desperately need in a time marked by fear and unpredictability.”

3. Do something different.

One of the most effective ways to pull myself out of a fog is to do something different, especially something tactile, because life is otherwise so digital. When I was recently feeling deeply sad, I did a small tile-painting project with my family; it wasn’t an accident that I chose a detailed design that forced me to focus on tiny brushstrokes instead of my sadness.

4. Embrace rituals of any scale.

Rituals — purposeful, meaningful practices — are powerful. Years ago, an educator friend shared that one effective way to get a sense of your kids’ daily experience is to play “high/low”: to simply ask for a high and low moment from the day. This ritual helps my family talk about the good and the bad in each day, and often leads to conversations about gratitude, resilience and more. Rituals can be a simple daily touchpoint like this or something more significant.“rituals help us bond, process stuff, realize gratitude and ultimately keep going,” Lythcott-haims says.

5. Identify a low-bar, small comfort.

When things are so relentlessly difficult, it’s important to identify seemingly mundane, small comforts that can serve as touchpoints throughout the day. Identify a low-bar, small comfort, and lean in hard. For me, that’s setting up my coffee the night before, so all I have to do is press the“on”button in the morning. My feelings are so fragile these days that when I’ve forgotten to do this, I’ve let out a pained, primal groan, and on the days I remember, I start the day smiling.