Trying to reconnect with children after 17-year split

Q: I remarried 18 years ago (as did my ex). We tried shared parenting, but my two children (then 14 and 10) were told my new marriage would never last. We’re still happily married. I last saw my children in 2007 (ages 16 and 12) and last spoke to my son 10 years ago. I sent gifts, cards, texts and made calls, but nothing helped close the divide. I was forbidden to attend their graduations or weddings. Should I just give up?

A: For whatever reason, estranged family dynamics are a hot topic these days, and I am seeing more questions about them than usual.

Your question to me is, “Should I just give up?” My first impulse is to say, “No, don’t.” Estranged or not, dead or alive, your parents always are your parents, and the unresolved issues around parents and children can linger for years and generations, causing harm and mayhem.

Even if reconciliation is not in the cards, it is worthwhile to try to connect in a way that involves more awareness, more consideration and more personal responsibility. It is not the easy path, but it is the middle ground between “sending gifts” and totally throwing in the towel.

I think the question isn’t simply, “Should I just give up?” Instead, it could be, “What do my children need to hear from me?”

Obviously, I have no idea what really happened in your family because surely there is more to this than “my two children were told my new marriage would never last.”

Yes, children’s minds can be poisoned and heavily influenced by other parents, but what else went wrong to cause this separation? Your honest assessment of looking back could yield the answers you need.

For instance, were your children pushing back on your new marriage (fueled by others’ influence) and then the arguing began? Did your children become angry about the disruptive split-parenting and new marriages? Or maybe they pulled away and, feeling protective of your new marriage, you allowed them to do so? I am making guesses because what I do know for sure is that your relationship with your children is based on much more than just your remarriage.

Most family therapists who specialize in estrangement will tell you that something deeper needs to be stated out in the open, accounted for and apologized for — and your “gifts, cards, texts and made calls” aren’t enough.

Holiday cards with nice sentiments are lovely, but if your child wants their pain to be acknowledged or they need to hear a sincere apology to even crack open the door, the gifts are only another smack in the face to their pain. And an apology is only the beginning.

The spiral of hurt and rejection comes from everyone involved in the estrangement, so be prepared for a possible reconciliation to be a long, up-and-down process.

You don’t say that your children have drawn an explicit line in the sand, as in, “please don’t ever contact us again, period.” At the same time, they did forbid you from attending important life events, like graduations and weddings, so the pain is deep … but the letters seem to have not been returned.

Even if your children have ignored you or asked you to leave them alone, I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in family systems. While your children may not be in therapy with you, a therapist will help you clarify what kind of relationship you truly want with your children, look back at the past to understand what happened and figure out what moving forward would look like.

There is a chance that having a relationship with your children is not in your (or their) best interest. Discovering this with an impartial person is your best shot at clarity and honesty.

As you seek out a therapist, I recommend picking up a couple of books about estrangement between parents and adult children.

I especially like what Tina Gilbertson mentions at the start of her book, “Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship.” Like every great therapist, she believes that any change is yours to make, and you must have a “growth mindset” to begin the work of possible reconciliation. Because you cannot control your adult children, you must be willing to look at your own behaviors, thoughts and actions.

No matter what happens, it is a worthwhile effort to look inward, own your contribution to the demise of these relationships and do the work to heal yourself, no matter the outcome. We cannot change the past, but every day is a new gift to choose another way.