Keep calm, help shoplifting child learn accountability

Q: How does a parent juggle making sure a child does the right thing (return a shoplifted candy bar, for example) with the very scary fear that the consequences could be life-altering (criminal charges) or worse for a child of color? Is forcing a child to own up to a mistake always the right choice? Does age matter (7 years old vs. 15)?

A: In almost every parenting scenario, I will advocate for natural consequences. Sometimes, the fallout of a child’s bad behavior can be the best teacher. The natural consequences of stealing a candy bar would be someone catching the child, the child feeling nervous, guilty and having to make amends to the shop owner. In a perfect world, the shop owner would hold the child accountable, but also let the infraction go and move on. Also, in this perfect world, a natural consequence would help a child grow rather than deeply shame, wound or traumatize them.

Turning a child in to the store for a lifted candy bar could teach a lesson, but what if the lesson is labeling, humiliating, juvenile detention or injury/death? What is a candy bar worth when a child’s suffering not only doesn’t teach a lesson, but can actually cause further harm? The Sentencing Project cites a review of recidivism data from 2011 that found that “70% to 80% of youth who left residential correctional programs were rearrested within two or three years of release.” We also know that our juvenile system is heavily biased toward detaining non-white youth.

The questions you are asking are more relevant than ever. If the system is biased and scary, how does a parent juggle learning lessons with keeping a child safe? How does being a child of color change the trajectory of lesson learning? And what does “owning up to a mistake” mean in 2024?

Age does matter when it comes to considering punishment because it can inform the motivation behind shoplifting. A 7-year-old’s maturity compared to a 15-year-old’s maturity could not be more different. We need to look at their impulsivity, what is happening in their lives, their outside influences and whether this is a pattern or a one-off event.

Rather than look for consequences, it’s more useful to look at the factors that led to the theft, as well as the presence of any remorse. Was your child with friends and felt pressured? Are there other impulsivity/executive functioning issues afoot? Is the child sorry, guilty or ashamed? Are they belligerent or do they think the store “owes” them? Answering these questions provides a more thoughtful way of understanding your child, which will lead to a better outcome. For instance, if a young child doesn’t understand their own impulsivity, it would behoove the parent to watch them more carefully and explicitly make funds available so they can make choices around what they can purchase and when. This is how to teach children responsibility and value.

If this is an older child and it is a one-off event, dig into their relationships and the pressures they are experiencing. Who are they spending time with, and where is their self-esteem in these friendships? And if your child is regularly stealing, what is causing this need for adrenaline? If you don’t understand the “why,” the consequences you choose won’t be effective because that is not how humans learn. Signs of shame, wanting to make amends and sorrow are good. Those feelings point toward a conscience, and if we double down with punishment, we will spoil the natural feelings. (Recall the feeling of when you wanted to apologize, but then the person badly shamed you and demanded you apologize. Poof, there goes the sorrow and in comes stubbornness).

Finally, one of the strongest considerations for how to proceed with a petty theft depends on the relationship your family has with the store and the store manager. It is wishful thinking to assume that every store, even ones that seem to be the most accepting of all people, will listen and be appropriate in their reactions to a shoplifted candy bar, but relationship reigns supreme in matters of fair and balanced responses to children’s mistakes. When a community is connected and cares about one another, we are much less likely to seek to punish. Rather, we try to work together.

The most useful way to look at shoplifting is to identify the factors contributing to the act, taking into account age, maturity, circumstances and regret. Teaching a valuable lesson doesn’t have to involve a juvenile justice system that’s seemingly only focused on punishment — especially when the punishments are harsher on nonwhite kids. The goal of raising children is to help them mature, not shame them into it. Good luck.