Discipling tween’s cursing might not fix what led to it

Q: My 11-year-old used some cuss words last night to express his anger with me. Thoughts on circling back on this today? We’ve told him words are just words, but there is a time and place for certain words. We’ve talked about cuss words being disrespectful in most cases.

I don’t want to spotlight this to make it a recurring behavior … but obviously I think it’s important to draw the line. Thoughts? — Cursed

A: Thank you for writing — nothing like the first time your tween uses some choice words against you. It can feel like a real smack to the face. Words can pack a punch. Let’s unpack this a bit so you can stay in response rather than reaction.

Developmentally, you are entering the tween years with your son, and so emotions may begin to run a little high. While many boys reach puberty around 12 (and many children start younger), it doesn’t mean that his body isn’t changing already. From physical changes (muscles, body odor, pubic hair) to cognitive changes (executive functioning and longterm planning may begin to form), this age also yields significant emotional changes. This can look like mood swings, anger, greater frustration, low self-esteem, depression and anxiety. While tweens still care about family values and rituals, they may also begin to question your authority. So, yes, you are entering an intense time in your parenting life.

First, well done waiting a night to address the cuss words. By giving time and space to the moment, you can stay in control of yourself and not make the situation worse. As for circling back, it could be the right move … or it could be a mistake. So much of how we respond depends on why the incident happened and the resolution you are seeking (understanding and boundaries or punishment and shame).

So, why was your child cursing at you to express his anger? Was it out of nowhere or to a reasonable request? Was it because he felt you weren’t listening to him? Did he feel hounded or harassed? Did he have an upsetting day at school and you got the brunt of it? Was it hunger? Overstimulation? Shame? Was it another medical, emotional or learning issue I haven’t listed? I see the cursing as a symptom of an interior issue, so what is the interior issue? Is there a pattern of outbursts? If you only treat the cursing, you may not address your son’s real needs, thus placing a meager Band-Aid on what may need more treatment. This is not a blame game. Rather you are acting as the mature part of your son’s brain that is still very much under production.

The high-wire act of parenting tweens is knowing when to hold ’em, when to fold ’em, when to walk away and when to run (thank you, Kenny Rogers). If you enjoy a good relationship with your son, it is possible to not revisit every outburst, because, well, being a human is messy, and sometimes feelings get loud and upsetting. If the footing feels solid with your child, you can just move life along. Truly, not everything needs a lesson, lecture or revisiting. I can hear people gnashing their teeth at the thought of not taking a child to task over every explosion, but I am more interested in the patterns than the big one-off events.

But you also have every right to not stand around and be insulted. Let him know that you will probably walk away if he does that again, because you all share a family value around cursing. But also let him know that you are still available to listen when he wants to talk. You aren’t freezing him out; you are holding a boundary for yourself.

If you do circle around for a bigger discussion, make it less of a lecture and more about curiosity. “So, some harsh words were tossed around last night. … It won’t be the last time, I know. But I am curious as to what that was all about.” If you don’t speak like that with your son, this might feel awkward, but it is so compassionate, and if you read the data, tweens need compassion more than ever.

Finally, please try to focus on your relationship with your child and not these behaviors. He will not turn into a disrespectful jerk if there are outbursts. You do not abdicate your authority if you don’t take up the fight every time. Punishments and shame don’t work as well as leading with clear boundaries and so much love. You are his safe place. For more help with this age, pick up the books “The Emotional Lives of Teens” by Lisa Damour (and her podcast), “Hold On to Your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, or “This Is So Awkward” by Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett and the podcast.