CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES
wedding and moving across the country. Not to mention we started planning well in advance, we have most vendors booked, we would lose a lot of money by changing, and have told all family and friends the date.
Of all the selfish things she has done in her life, this reaches new heights. I’m trying to laugh about it, but I find myself dwelling on it and becoming sad. I’m resigned to the fact that my sister is not going to change.
So how do I change my perspective so I do not (a) resent my sister, and (b) become bummed about the wedding planning process, which has been wonderful until now? — Always the Bridesmaid,
Even When I’m the Bride
Dear Always the Bridesmaid: Not to give a foot-stomping, tantrum-throwing adult anything that resembles a pass, but your sister is not the person causing you the most grief right now.
Not that parents deserve all blame for unpleasant or immature offspring, but there is a connection that looks suspiciously like enabling between your parent(s) and sister, which would make this incident a useful microcosm.
Had your parent(s) not enabled your sister in this case, then you wouldn’t have heard anything about her demand that you change your wedding date — certainly not secondhand. So to minimize resentment, proceed as if healthy and proceed as planned, letting Sis act out, offstage. About the emotional playbook, and pardon my possible overreach: Your “wait for it” and “just started trying” bear a whiff of “how dare she” about a due date. If so — or, regardless — please consider talking through your family dynamics with a skilled, reputable pro.
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