DEAR PRUDENCE
NICOLE CLIFFE WITH ADVICE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AT HOME, WORK & BEYOND
Dear Prudence: I am 10 years older than my half-siblings. Our dad peaced out, but I have tried to stay involved. My 15-year-old brother and I have a bond as the oldest and the only boys. My brother is obsessed with expensive sneakers. He works part time, but his mom takes most of his money. He was in danger of failing a few subjects, and his mom asked me to get him back on the right path.
I made a deal with him: He keeps his grades up and saves a third of the cost, and I would pony up the rest for his sneakers. He agreed. He kept his side of the bargain. I bought the sneakers for Christmas, and I told his mom. She basically verbally stripped my skin off — I was indulging my brother, times were tough, and I wasn’t spending nearly as much on my sisters.
She crossed the line when she told me I was acting exactly like my father. I told her she wanted me to have a brother-to-brother talk and get
his grades up, it happened, and she needs to shut her mouth about it. Her response was if she saw the sneakers, she would throw them in the trash.
I don’t know what to do. If I give the sneakers to my brother, it is going to spark a fight. He has complained about his mom before and has threatened to run away. I am much closer to my brother than my half-sisters, who are still little girls, but I still love them and want to be in their lives. Being compared to my dad is a major trigger. I am not him, and my stepmom knows I hate being compared to him, but it is her favorite insult. I want my brother to know I am good on my word. Our dad was the king of broken promises. I feel stuck. What do I do?
— I’m Not My Dad
Dear I’m Not My Dad: Well, you are a little stuck. But you’re a great brother and a good person. Your stepmom is being unreasonable, so this is a good time to be sneaky. If I were
you, I would keep the sneakers at your place, give them to him in private, and tell him to keep them in his school locker so they aren’t trashed. Explain to him that a good person keeps their promises, and this is you doing your best to show him the importance of that value.
Don’t get into fights with your stepmom. He’s 15, so you don’t have that much longer of a time when she’ll pull his strings, but you also have two little sisters in your life, and I want you to keep your relationship with all of them strong. Put in more time with the girls. Girls are great! Your stepmom may be a total douche, but she is probably also expressing concern that you focus too much on your brother, and she wants you to spend more of that focus on all your siblings.
Slate’s Nicole Cliffe is filling in as Dear Prudence for Daniel Mallory Ortberg this week. Send your questions to prudence@slate.com.