CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Hi, Carolyn: Your column concerning a new mother feeling pulled in many directions to celebrate Mother’s Day really got me thinking.

I have felt the Mother’s Day guilt of wanting to make my mother and mother-in-law happy. I try to learn from mistakes or situations in the past and I like the saying “When you know better you do better.”

So, I tell myself, “I know it is overwhelming for young mothers to be pulled in many directions ... how can I do better with my own family?” What is the best solution for mothers of adult children with their own families?

— Trying

Dear Trying: Thank you on adult daughters’ behalf for trying to lessen their emotional workloads instead of adding to them.

A mother of adult children with their own families can tell them that her Mother’s Day gift to them is an unconditional release from all obligations on Mother’s Day. Say you’d love to see them (if true), and will be happy to plan or play along or observe it on the day of their choice, or babysit so they can have time alone, or whatever else (if true), but you will not be a duty they have to fulfill.

Re: Mother’s Day: Carolyn’s advice is great, except for one caveat: If the kids take you at your word and don’t do anything for you on Mother’s Day, then no sulking, no guilt trips, no complaining to your friends about how rotten your kids turned out.

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: Yes, yes, thanks.

Re: Mother’s Day: Please elaborate on why the mothers of grown sons and/or daughters should be providing child care on Mother’s Day. I care for my little grand ones about once a week. I also do many other things to ease my grown loved ones’ stressful times, like baking, cooking, shopping. But I’ve been feeling more and more that what my adult offspring and their partners need is to recognize that it is not my job as grandparent to be a babysitter. Thank you.

— Grandparent

Dear Grandparent: You say “should be”; the verb I used was “can.” And I said to say they’d love to “if true.” I think that amply qualifies my answer.

Re: Freeing Your Adult Children: Don’t just free them for Mother’s Day. Do it for all the holidays. My sister was married when I was small. My wise mother explained since sis’s mother-in-law was touchy about celebrating on the actual date, we were going to have our holidays when we could all be together. She taught me that we make the holiday, not the other way around. We had Christmas as early as Thanksgiving and as late as Valentine’s day.

This goes for birthdays, too. Wouldn’t you rather have a sweet phone call a week after the fact than hear, “Why didn’t you call?” So would your children. The benefits are enormous for everyone. No worries, no guilt. Let the in-laws have the actual date. I’ll take the fun (and the love).

— I’ll Take The Fun

Need Carolyn’s advice? Email your questions to tellme@washpost.com.