CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES
Dear Carolyn: My daughter recently revealed to me that she is bisexual. I was supportive and thanked her for trusting me with her revelation. She seemed relieved, but shared that she is not comfortable telling her father (my husband) — understandable, since he will not likely handle it so well.
We have both been concerned for a while that something is bothering her, making her uncomfortable around us. Now that (I think) I know what the “something” is, I’m feeling better, though still aware that her mental health risk is higher for many reasons, including feeling the need to remain closeted. My husband is worried and perplexed, and I feel stuck in the middle — glad she shared, wanting to respect that it’s her news to share, concerned for my husband and what will happen if/when she tells him. Do I encourage her to tell him? Test him with impersonal hypotheticals? Play dumb at the revelation? Family therapy? Other?
— Guarding The Closet
How you define “not likely handle it so well” is so crucial, I don’t think I can answer you without it. And, how old is your daughter? Is she still living in your home, with both parents?
Regardless, please contact PFLAG, pflag. org, so you can talk this through. Or the Trevor Project, thetrevorproject.org.
Carolyn: She’s 14. He is not violent, actually a quiet, gentle person, but very conservative.
— Guarding Again
Then talk to your daughter again about giving him a chance not to take this badly. Bring her with you to a therapist first, if feasible, so she can talk freely if she needs an outlet. Or if any of you needs one.
I think it’s important, when you’re not dealing with an otherwise harmful person, to avoid keeping secrets in a family. Hope he surprises you with his flexibility but prepare her in case he doesn’t.
Re: Closet: Is it that she is uncomfortable telling her father or that she doesn’t want him to know? Maybe you could tell him, with her permission, of course. When my son came out, I just asked him if he wanted me to share that news with anybody for him and/or not tell anybody specifically. He said he wanted to tell his sibling himself, but could I please share the news with his father. I did. Everybody was fine.
— Anonymous
Yes, thanks — that allows Dad to have his possibly not-warm reaction safely away from the daughter. There’s a lot to be said for sparing people the raw first response — especially sparing a 14-year-old, who might carry that unpleasant memory farther than an adult would.
Re: Closet:
“There’s a lot to be said for sparing people the raw first response”: This. Oh so much this. My brother came out to my mom 25-plus years ago as a young 20-something and her reaction was less than ideal. Tears of grief for his not being able to give her grandchildren, mostly. Since then, she has been nothing but supportive and loving of him and his husband, but that initial reaction has stuck with, and wounded him, ever since. I think it would be an incredible gift to both your husband and your daughter if you can absorb your husband’s reaction to your daughter’s news.