CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED

Dear Carolyn: My husband hates our daughter-in-law and badmouths her to the rest of the family. He thinks she is ugly, lazy and was spoiled by her parents.

Our son is well aware of this and it has made a rocky relationship with his dad even worse.

Fortunately, I have a good relationship with our daughter-in-law and the grandkids, but this rift in the family is tearing at my heart. I have tried to get my husband to at least behave in a civil, respectful manner, to no avail. He literally doesn’t want to see her even if it means not seeing our son and grandkids. Is there anything to be done?

— Torn

Dear Torn: What is wrong with your husband?

I’d be asking the same about your daughter-in-law if he found her cruel, abusive, negligent — because then it wouldn’t be badmouthing, it would be sounding the alarm.

But, UGLY? Is he serious?

Are you?

I have to ask. There is no defense for “ugly,” or for his refusal to be civil or discreet. Therefore, by remaining “torn” — as if there are two legitimate sides — you are complicit in your husband’s indefensible behavior. The only principled choice is to stand fully by your daughter-in-law, and therefore your son.

You see your son and his family without your husband, obviously, ever after. But that is not enough.

What you do next depends on the answer to the opening question: What is wrong with your husband? Has he shown such hatred and contempt historically in other ways? Say, perhaps, that “rocky relationship” with your son? Has he cowed you into playing peacemaker instead of standing up for what’s right by standing up to him?

If so, then you’re overdue to examine the person you married, the emotional weave of the marriage, where you fit into it, where you might go from here, and where you’d be safe. Counseling solo for that. (Resource link below.)

If this is new or intensifying, then has he shown other signs of cognitive change or impairment? A full medical work-up for that, if he’ll cooperate.

If instead — I’m reaching here — you mischaracterized things, and you agree with your husband that your daughter-in-law is some kind of monster, and you merely wish he’d play nice about it like you, then he’s still a significant part of the problem. Remaining civilly engaged and involved is the best way to help your son and grandkids feel safe and supported.

Upshot: Your husband’s actions are simply not how emotionally sound adults behave. Even emotionally sound adults who can’t bear even the sight of their daughters-in-law.

So the problem isn’t your son’s wife, it’s not the “rift,” it’s your spouse. Which means staying in the marriage is your problem — especially if you’re afraid. Therapists are in short supply but you have www.thehotline. org to lean on. Again, counseling solo to start. If not for you, then go for your son.