CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED
Dear Carolyn: This sounds like an etiquette problem, but to me it feels more like a boundary issue. I’ve been with my wife for almost 20 years — we’re both women — and I also have a friendship with another woman that predates my knowing my wife. “Nancy” is straight and married.
In those early years, Nancy met my wife a few times, and they were both cordial but did not really hit it off. We moved away, and my only contact with Nancy since then has been the occasional letter.
Last year, however, I received a Christmas card from Nancy and my wife noted it was addressed to me, not to both of us or “& family.” She felt this was disrespectful, whereas I hadn’t given it any thought, which also bothered her.
My wife didn’t ask me to do anything about this, but I’m uncomfortable that she found my response inadequate. I had no explanation other than the truth as I saw it: “I don’t think it was an intentional slight.” I’m feeling equally uncomfortable, however, at the prospect of asking a friend to address her next Christmas card to us as a couple so she doesn’t inadvertently annoy my wife, a woman she hasn’t seen or talked to in decades.
I have some friendships where I could broach this quite frankly, but this is not one of them. I’m really at a loss as to the right course of action.
— Caught In The Middle
Dear Caught In The Middle: How about: nothing?
Well, close to it:
1. Stop making the “I don’t think it was an intentional slight” argument, because what you think is irrelevant. What is relevant is what Nancy intended and what your wife perceived. Since you don’t know what Nancy intended, but do know what your wife perceived, the compassionately pragmatic response is to validate your wife. “I don’t know what Nancy was thinking, but, yes, I can see why it bothered you. I’m sorry she did that. To be fair, I wouldn’t be her friend if I thought her capable of leaving you out just to make some kind of statement.”
2. Here’s the exciting, true-nothingness part about doing nothing: If another card comes addressed only to you, then, so what. It’s a card. And yes, I realize I just described a card 30 seconds ago as disrespectful and now I’m saying it’s just a card, but, look at the circumstances:
Your marriage is 20 years in and going strong (yes?). Your friendship with Nancy is down to occasional correspondence. Even if Nancy means it as a swipe against your wife or some other type of missive aggression, Nancy is not central enough to your being to strike at anyone’s core. There’s no actual “middle” to be stuck in.
And if she is that central, then it’s only because one or both of you put her there symbolically — which would mean your relationship needs your attention. Either trust your marriage or address the reason you don’t.
If you really want to do something: 3. Send a card this year addressed to Nancy and her spouse signed by you and your spouse. It’ll either be the most courteous bird-flip in recorded history, or thereabouts, or a friendly reminder to Nancy, who may have just made a mistake.