DEAR PRUDENCE
Dear Prudence: Me and my two siblings were never close — no issues really, just totally different people.
Recently, I won a bit of money in the lottery, not a huge amount, but it was nice. As an attempt to build a closer connection to my brothers, I gave them some of the money. My young brother and his wife, and my older brother and his wife and two boys. I gave them both the same amount.
However, with my older brother, I gave my nephews some money that I hope they use for education. Still, the money I gave my older brother plus his kids is equal to the money I gave my younger brother who has no children.
My older brother’s wife was appalled and angry that I “gave” my younger brother more. She then went on to call me greedy and selfish. She has gone to great lengths to bring this up to my parents and never failed to mention it over the holidays.
Now my mom called me, and asked me to give them a little extra to create family peace.
The thing is, I didn’t win a huge amount, it’s not like I’m rich, and the money I kept I poured into my debts. Talking to my older brother has led to nothing but a cold shoulder with the statement that his wife has a point.
I feel my attempt at being generous now has everyone pointing daggers at me.
I would appreciate thoughts, because I’m at a loss.
— The Curse of Generosity
Dear Curse of Generosity: What you did was really, really generous, and I’m so sorry it backfired.
The line to say to your older brother, his wife and your mom is: “There is not any more money available. I hope my gift to you doesn’t continue to damage our relationship. I’d prefer not to discuss it anymore unless perhaps you want to express gratitude.”
And then don’t give them any more energy.
Meanwhile, while I wouldn’t have recommended an exchange of money as a way to start things off, I hope you can begin to nurture your relationship with your younger brother and find the connection you’ve been missing.
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