CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Dear Carolyn: My 15-year-old niece recently had her hair professionally dyed red. My sister — the child’s mother — facilitated this, but the niece used money she earned with a part-time job. When my mother saw her granddaughter, she blurted out something to the effect of, “OMG what have you done?!? Why did you do this? Is it going to wash out?”

My niece was very upset, my sister got really angry with my mother, and now I’m stuck in the middle of this, with my mother trying to get me to agree with her position that this is a disaster.

I’m kind of like — well, I don’t know that I would have chosen that color, but I’m trying to stay out of it.

Note that my mother has historically criticized everyone for things she doesn’t condone. My sister maintains that Grandma should know to “filter” her remarks. Grandma says she should have been “warned” because of her history with criticism.

Any advice for me to mediate? Or should I continue to stay out of it?

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: Oh, my goodness.

Responding to Sister: “The word ‘should’ is the root of all misery.” Then resume staying out of it.

Responding to your mom: “Sure, Mom. But as you wait to be properly ‘warned,’ I hope you’re ready not to have anyone left around you to criticize.” Then resume staying out of it.

Responding to your niece: “Good for you. If nothing else, this family will teach you to trust yourself and not worry what everyone thinks.” Then resume staying out of it.

Note that all these responses are solicited, and none involves mediating. You’re not “stuck in the middle” unless you stick yourself there, which I suggest you don’t. Readers’ thoughts:

““Aw, sweetie, Grandma never likes anything. Try not to let her get to you.” My sister and I used to consider a haircut our mother disliked a huge success: “I got my hair cut! Mom HATES it!!!” “Oh yay! I can’t wait to see!!””

“My mother-in-law frequently complains that she doesn’t see us or our adult children often enough. (She voluntarily moved 500 miles away, but I digress.) One time, after not seeing him for a year, her first comment to my son — after “hello” — was, “I don’t like your beard.” You can’t save people from themselves, or the consequences of their actions and expressed opinions. Nor do you have an obligation to mitigate their stupidity.”

“I think Grandma needs to be told not only wasn’t this a disaster, but she was rude, and kid and mom are justified for being upset with her. Hemming and hawing with “Well, maybe I wouldn’t have chosen that color” makes her think her outburst was okay.”

“There’s definitely a gender component here the niece should be aware of and stand up to. My parents refused to let me grow my hair because it was fine and thin, giving me home cuts against my will. When I got older, my sister sneaked up behind me and cut off my ponytail because SHE felt better about it. My mom cheered her on! I’m an adult now, and my parents still complain about my extreme hair colors. My brother? He had all lengths of hair, including a period when he stopped washing it. Nothing.”