CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED

Dear Carolyn:

My local family (multiple households) and I rotate hosting duties for holidays and gatherings.

Most of the time, they are small affairs, with just six to eight of us.

There seems to be a culture or expectation that even if we are guests at one of their homes, everyone pitches in to thoroughly clean up after the meals (in our nice clothes!). Everyone has their turn to host, so I am resentful when I am pulled into the group cleanup every single time. Can a guest not just be a guest? I feel annoyed that I cannot just sit there, lest it appear that I am being a selfish prima donna.

Are my frustrations unreasonable? And is there a way to be a traditional guest again in these family circles?

— Hostess With The Mostess Resentment

Dear Hostess With The Mostess Resentment: No, and apparently not. You want something different, so your frustration is reasonable; but your family has its methods. All evidence says you are alone in this preference, so you eat it unless you can persuade them to adopt your methods.

That sounds like more work than a few dishes, but you’re welcome to try by suggesting it, maybe one household at a time.

In your place, I’d surrender to the family custom — and direct your “elegant guest experience” efforts toward hosting a different crowd.

Dear Carolyn: In the last week, my husband has misplaced his vaccination card, a tape measure and a twist-tie. Each time his immediate reaction was, “What did you do with my X?” I’ve tried to explain why this is such an offensive way to approach this, and he says he’s just “trying to find his stuff.” Please help me explain to him how utterly insulting that language is.

SET OF VALUES

He sees nothing wrong with it. — Blamed

Dear Blamed: “You blame me when you lose things” is not an elusive concept. When the obvious doesn’t get through to him, you have the option of making his phrasing so unproductive for him that his only choices are to suffer for it or abandon it.

The right tone depends on you two. “Burned it,” “Flushed it,” “Fed it to the dog” might work, or bomb. “Are you saying you misplaced something?” is a redirect that might be familiar to parents of toddlers. “Nothing,” every single time for the rest of your lives together, might get through to him eventually.

If he’s not otherwise entitled or obtuse, and if you know what he means and know he means no offense, then you can let a little poor phrasing go.

And if he IS otherwise entitled or obtuse, then, ding ding ding.

Readers’ thoughts:

“Listen, my husband blames me for letting it rain. I tell him it was his penalty for some other small idiotic thing. There’s not much use in answering with anything other than, “The same place I put your brain.””

“My wife often decides to move something of mine to a better or more logical place, and then I can’t find it. So when I misplace something, my first reaction is, “Did she move it?” However, I’ve found a better phrasing: “I can’t find my X; do you know where it is?” That gives her a chance to tell me where it is or to say no, without blaming. And sometimes the answer is, “It’s in your right hand.”