CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED

Hi, Carolyn:

One of my best friends who I have known for over a decade is getting married.

I am more than happy for her, and I really like her fiance.

Whenever we make plans to get together, her fiance finds an event or something happening on that day. My best friend gives me a choice either to go with them to this event or to hang out another day — after we already had plans. I have gone to some events, but I really don’t care for most of the events or things her fiance wants to do, so I am always giving up that day, and then I am left with no plans.

I feel like I am on edge hoping her fiance won’t say anything about the day we picked to hang out. I don’t feel like my plans are ever solidified.

I am having trouble deciding if I should be frustrated, because I know relationships change when friends get married and husbands come first. We also have had issues in the past with her boyfriends and spending time together, so I am hesitant to bring it up, but I am annoyed about the situation.

Should I say anything, or just let it go and realize relationships change when a husband enters the picture? — Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: Pairing off makes people less available but does not grant them license to jerk their friends around. You “should” be frustrated because she’s being rude.

In fact, a good friend who becomes part of a couple will be extra respectful of your time and commitments, to balance out having less time to give overall. (And to help her own cause, too, since dropping everyone for someone is a great way to end up with no one.)

The question of whether to say something is more nuanced. What you describe are a couple who care more about themselves than anyone else, and offer you a “choice” as flimsy cover. What you say or how you say it won’t make much of a difference if they just want what they want.

It could make a difference to you, though. It sounds really unsatisfying to say nothing and “realize relationships change.” A better version might be to say nothing and “realize she’s your friend only between romances.” That seems to hit closer to the mark.

If true, though, that also means you don’t have much to lose by speaking up. Feel free to tell her the “choice” she keeps giving you is lose-lose-lose: 1. Agree to do a new thing you’d rather not do. 2. Bow out last-minute — and have neither plans nor someone to blame because technically you turned them down. 3. Insist on the original plans — and spend the entire time knowing they’d both rather be somewhere else.

If your friend wanted to follow through on your plans, then she would. She wants to live on her terms and maintain the appearance of including you.

If you can step back from the friendship without rancor, simply not initiating any more plans yourself or expecting her to honor any she initiates, then you’ll spare yourself this living-on-edge frustration in the short term, and give both of you room in the long term to figure out whether there’s a friendship worth salvaging here.

Your history says she’ll be back when things with the fiance are less preoccupying. Assuming she does seek you out again, you can decide then whether you want to be found.