CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn:

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

My 18-year-old college freshman is in a relationship with a 34-year-old man.

Putting aside all the issues I have with that, she said she’ll be staying with him over break. I’m not sure how to respond. This summer, after I found out, the rules were a midnight curfew and sleepovers only on special occasions.

My thinking is, if she wants the benefits of being an adult without complying with my rules, then she has to have the responsibilities. Which means paying her own cellphone bill and subscriptions and canceling the credit card I pay. Her educational expenses will be covered.

Is this the best way to deal with this? I feel awful putting financial stress on her while she’s at school. Her father isn’t a factor; they’re mostly estranged. There’s obviously A LOT of other issues here, but I’m hoping you can help with this one.

— Struggling Single Mom

Amen to “A LOT of other issues.” Being a parent comes with situations no prior experience can prepare you for, and you’re living one of them. I’m sorry.

I understand why you’ve zoomed in on rules and finances; she is 18, and her prerogative to do things like this is fully formed, even if her judgment is not.

But while paying tuition and expenses gives you tempting Mom-strings to pull or cut — and falls under your prerogative, clearly — you also have good reasons not to use them in protest of her relationship.

The best reason is her well-being. Your pretext is for her to support herself, to complete the adulthood package she chose with this man. But what you really want is a breakup, and what she wants, presumably, is distance from your reach. So which of these is she more likely to do in response to your protest: shoehorn minimum wages into her academic schedule, or lean harder

on Mr. 34? She might step up, sure — but parents have to think likeliest-case scenarios.

Expect her to convert every bit of support you withdraw into further investment in him.

Even if it’s just emotional, no dollars involved, imagine how it plays out:

She: “Mom cut me off her phone plan,” or other boohoo.

He: “That’s okay, you have me.”

And that is exactly, exactly the wrong outcome, no matter how right your points are about adults and money.

What you do want — besides for him to evaporate — is for her own better judgment to kick in.

Paradoxically, the best way to nurture your somewhat-still-a-child now is to communicate with her as a fellow adult, even knowing her brain development isn’t there yet. Cutting off her phone for not “complying with my rules” — i.e., for disturbing taste in men, right? — is just another version of treating her like a child (which, again, she’ll presumably try to remedy through him). So think of her relationship with you as her best protection.

Best way to protect that relationship: Before you say Word 1, imagine yourself hearing what you’re about to say.

Imagine if the boyfriend weren’t disturbing. Imagine her spending the break with a … 21-year-old college junior. Form a nonjudgmental response template this way, since you’ve apparently made your concerns clear. I believe 100 percent in nudging kids to self-support — as progress, though, not punishment. And not when new obstacles to her schooling are the last thing you want.

Need Carolyn’s advice? Email your questions to tellme@washpost.com.