CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES
Dear Carolyn: How can I find a “family of choice”? I’m divorced. The marriage was, if not downright abusive, extremely damaging. Yes, I’m in therapy, and yes, choosing that marriage was just the tip of the iceberg. That I am gainfully employed, and fairly well-liked, and not a bitter human being is something of a miracle. I honestly think reading a lot as a child saved me.
I don’t have much family left: a brother I like but with whom I have little in common except genes. We are on friendly terms, but not at all close.
The marriage left me with no support system, so I am carefully rebuilding one. The thing is, all of my new friends have complete lives and families. They don’t need to ask people outside of their family circle for help. Any time I need a second pair of hands for something, I have to make an ask, and I fear burdening people. How can I build a network around me and not feel like a leech? — Rebuilding
Dear Rebuilding: So, I’m thinking as I read this about suggesting X, then Y, then Z, and now I think your best approach is all of them. Or 10 approaches, or however many you have the energy for, to maximize your exposure to potential connections, since only some will pay off.
That can include even the friends who don’t “need” people outside their family circles. For one, it’s not all about need for help (see next paragraph), and for the other, you are in a perfect position to know that a life that appears complete from the outside can be different from the inside, or in an instant.
Too vulture-y. Sorry.
Point is to work on your relationships for the sake of them — as social exchanges, lunch or coffee or walks or listening to live music or whatever connection develops organically — without assuming any outcome besides company. You’re right not to overload anyone, but I think even more important is the giving of your friendship for the sake of it. Meetings for a cause or organization, classes, or some other regular proximity to others can stand in as the “give” in the give-and-take you want.
Also, don’t assume you’re not wanted in “complete” circles. People tend to be inclusive but don’t always notice opportunities, or don’t know they need you till they know. Readers’ thoughts:
“There are plenty of weekends where my husband just wants to sit around the house, and my kids all have plans with their friends, and I feel really lonely and long for the days of youth when a friend would say, ‘Hey, do you want to go to Target with me?’ Please ask people to do things with you. You might be doing them a favor, too.”
“A lot of your friends who have “complete” circles can easily expand that circle to fit one more. Give warmly and be present, and see what develops. If it turns out not to work, that’s fine — you’ve still built some connections, and you can keep meeting new people you may mesh more closely with.”
“My husband and I feel emotionally rewarded when we are able to be supportive of our neighbors and friends. Sometimes, it’s doing a physical task that they struggle with. Other times, it’s offering to pick up something at the store. It never feels like a burden. It feels like community.”