CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: My husband gets up every morning and immediately takes a shower. There are no exceptions. He does not present himself to others, even our children, before showering. If he is getting up to go on a 20-mile bike ride, he showers first. If it’s Christmas morning and the kids are eager to open presents, everyone waits for him to finish his shower. This is the way he is. I have worked and always will happily work around what, in my mind, is just one of his quirks.
About 10 years ago, I learned he revealed to a family member his concerns about my not showering often enough and someday acquiring “old lady” smell. I expressed to him how much he had hurt me and how terrible he made me feel about myself. He apologized, but I am reminded of the hurt every time he talks about my showering, which he does nearly every day.
He thinks it’s an innocent question if he asks me when I’m going to shower, but for me, this means I must smell bad. Sometimes he’ll mention how “quick” my shower was. I have asked him a thousand times to please stop talking about my showering, but he won’t even try. He says he’s not doing anything wrong.
I am at my wits’ end. I feel constantly assaulted. He just says he doesn’t mean anything by it, that it’s unreasonable of me to expect him to not use the word “shower,” that it’s my problem, and I have to get over it. What should I do? Am I the one who needs therapy?
— Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: Yes, but you’re not “the one” who needs it, and it’s not because you’re in the wrong. First, he’s gaslighting you. That he “doesn’t mean anything by it” is plainly false.
Second, the fastest way to zero conversation about showering is for you to tell him you’re through engaging on this topic and then never, ever — not once — respond to him about it again. However, that won’t address the underlying problem; that’s what the therapy’s for.
It’s possible he is hypersensitive to smell. Imagine constantly smelling/tasting things others can’t detect. Imagine if it’s gross. He could be repulsed (for reasons beyond his reach) by your natural, unshowered smell. Or, different neuro-tack, he could have a compulsion. As a layman, my only role is to say, “This seems professional-grade.”
A health condition is just one part, though. The other is his unkindness. The former: his problem. The latter: his dumping his problem on you.
He could easily say instead, “I’ve been [supersensitive/compulsive/etc.] my whole life. I realize it’s my burden to carry, but [specific minor accommodations] would help me.” Like, switch-to-a-new-shampoo minor. Instead, he’s saying things so disingenuous — suggesting you “expect him to not use the word ‘shower’”!? — that I recommend the therapy be solo to start, not with him.
That’s all specific to your concern that you’re at fault or smell bad. All such parsing aside, this really isn’t about smell or showers (or whatever) except in the details. Those details can distract from the defining issue of your marriage: One spouse feels “constantly assaulted,” and one feels adamantly entitled. The only questions left with a scenario like that are, always: How is that okay? Why are you still there? What do you think will change?
Individual therapy can help you explore these, too. I’m sorry.
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