CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED
Dear Carolyn:
My wife and I are expecting our first baby.
The baby shower is next weekend, and I was really looking forward to it. My dad wants to plan something for the guys to do that day. He was shocked when I said I was going to the baby shower. He said no “real man” wants to go to a baby shower and I’d be miserable at a “girly baby party.”
I think that’s nuts; I want to see the gifts for our son and celebrate the new baby. My dad won’t back down. He went on a rant about this generation of men letting our wives “feminize” us and how it’s ruining society and if I do this he’s going to feel like he failed as a father. My wife has nothing to do with me wanting to be there, but he won’t listen. I don’t know if this is a hill I want to die on, but I also think I’d regret missing our baby shower just because my dad is being an idiot. What should I do?
— Not “A Real Man”
Dear Not “A Real Man”: Amazing how much propaganda has seeped into family connections. Amazing, horrifying and sad.
I’m sorry your dad has lost it. You don’t have to keep arguing with him, though. His question was asked and answered: “Thanks, Dad, but I’ll be at the shower.”
The! End!
Meaning, when he huffs and puffs, you implement one or some of the following: “Ya, gotta run, talk later,” then hang up/ leave. “I gave you my answer. Next topic.” “Interesting.” Change subject. “You’re entitled to your opinion. I am entitled to mine,” change subject/hang up/leave. “I’m sorry to hear that. You did your job as a parent: I have my own views and stand up for them. Thank you for teaching me courage.” Etc.
Ranting, guilting, shame and refusing to back down are all his concerns, not yours. They’re only yours if you agree to keep listening or feel you have to. “He won’t listen”
SET OF VALUES
is irrelevant to your decision because you attend the shower if you want. Done.
These are hard steps but well-timed. Raising children requires the backbone to do what you think is right under significant outside pressure to do something else. Readers’ thoughts:
“Believe me, this is just the start of your dad’s opining on your parenting. Stand up now. I can hear him questioning your manliness if you change a diaper.”
“‘I’m sorry you feel that way, Dad.’ Then decline to engage further — every time he dangles the threat of his displeasure over your choices.”
“Your dad is a glassbowl. I’m in my mid40s, and almost all our friends had coed baby showers. Kids with two dads, single fathers or nonbinary parents shouldn’t be celebrated with showers?”
“Thinking one is the arbiter of what makes a ‘real man,’ or a “real” anything, is the definition of being a real jerk. Also grounds for losing all credibility.”
“PLEASE defend your wife against the malicious remarks undoubtedly coming her way. My husband’s family spent decades blaming me for his choices, and his refusal to stand up to them obliterated my faith in our relationship.”
“Yes, die on this hill. Please consider how his kind of BS will affect your son.”
“What’s ‘ruining society’ is this pernicious embedded miasma of misogyny, sexism and hatred.
This isn’t an issue of Dad’s demand, but dealing with a mind-set that demonizes, demeans and subjugates half the human race. It is vile and ugly.”