CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn:

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Ever since we got married three years ago, my husband, “Jim,” and I have had money problems.

Between our rent and student loans, we don’t have a lot of extra money, but Jim would waste it on the dumbest things. Like paying extra to have a video game express shipped to our house when, if he waited two days, he could pick it up at a local store, or buying a power tool he doesn’t even know how to use.

I was going to leave him, so he finally agreed to financial counseling. The first step was that he cannot have access to any credit cards or the bank accounts, and I can only give him a certain amount of cash each morning. So now I have to pay all the bills, even put gas in his car, and ask at the end of each week what he spent his “allowance” on. Jim can only go to the grocery store if he has no more than the necessary cash and an exact list.

I can see he’s really trying, but I feel more like a mom than a wife because I’m the one who has to keep our household afloat while paying down the debt he racked up.

I feel terrible since I love him, he loves me, he’s trying so hard, and this is a kind of addiction. But it’s grinding me down. I can’t complain to him, and I feel disloyal complaining to anyone else, so it’s all bottled up inside me. Are there support groups for people like me?

Dear Burdened:

— Burdened

Ugh, I’m sorry. This is a lot to carry.

I’m concerned, though, that the “addiction” part of it isn’t being addressed; you’re all just locking up the drugs. What emotional hole is he trying to fill with his spending, and is he working on that?

I know money’s tight, but therapy solo

for each of you could help. Find lower-cost options here: wapo.st/hax-resources.

It’s also not “disloyal” to confide in others about your marriage; complete embargoes on marital information are part of what trap people in abusive situations. Be sensitive and discreet, and choose someone outside your immediate circle who agrees to keep your confidences and serve as your “safe place” to air complicated feelings.

And don’t shield him from numbers. Include your husband in bill-paying sessions (no password access) so he sees where it all goes. Set up a spreadsheet to record the progress toward debt freedom.

Last thing — now’s a great time for him to run a nonfinancial part of your household that he’s good at: meal prep, chores, calendar, whatever. Cut into that parentchild energy by shifting some power to his side of the ledger. If feasible under the circumstances.

Readers’ thoughts:

“Look into 12-step groups for yourself like Debtors or Spenders Anonymous. They are not just for the actual debtor or spender, but include their family and friends. It’s free for the most part, and nearly all meetings are virtual. Also, if your workplace has an EAP, call the program. It’s amazing how fast and helpful EAPs are.”

“It sounds as though the financial counseling he’s getting may just be about dollars and cents and doesn’t address the compulsion. May I suggest Spenders Anonymous? Spending isn’t my compulsion, but I have friends who benefited greatly from their membership in SA and would recommend it highly.”

Need Carolyn’s advice? Email your questions to tellme@washpost.com.