CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

I handle the grocery shopping for a number of reasons, but primarily because my husband gets FOMO about random and weird snacks while we are in the store, bounces from aisle to aisle rather than methodically moving from one end to the other, and we end up spending four times as long in the store (and occasionally twice as much money).

Anytime I go to the store, I ask for requests, and the response is always, “Get whatever you want.” It is unhelpful, and I have voiced that and tried a number of ways to get requests in advance: sitting down to meal plan together, sharing a spreadsheet with my thoughts for the week after looking at coupons, etc.

There is inevitably a complaint about something. We discuss my frustration, and we agree to try something new. I am out of new ideas. Do you have any you could share, please?

— The Shopper He: “Get whatever you want.”

You: [Get whatever you want.]

He: [Complains.]

You: “Write what you want on the list.” Repeat as needed, referring him to a list pad and pen that remain in a fixed location.

Unless you’re ready for him to join you at the store again? You didn’t say whether he agreed he was a shopping liability. If he didn’t, then this could be passive-aggression, which needs conversation, not lists.

Whatever you choose, consider that sometimes the best change available is to stop wanting something to change.

A reader says:

“I’m the shopper in our family, and I usually run the snack purchases by my husband in advance: ‘I’m planning to get pretzels and Goldfish, but no peanuts. Comments?’ Either he comments or not. Our service does not accept post-comment input, and if any’s offered, the answer is, ‘Good thing there’s

a grocery store down the road :).’ I assume the letter writer’s spouse can drive and has a wallet.”

Dear Carolyn:

I’m hosting this weekend and don’t know how much food to get because most of the guest list RSVP’d “maybe,” acknowledged the invite but didn’t RSVP or didn’t respond at all.

I’ve decided I’m not going to chase anyone down and if there isn’t enough food, then they can order a pizza. Sigh. In reality, I can’t stand to be a bad host, so should I chase people down?

Dear Party Host:

— Party Host

I’m sorry. Collectively, our manners are atrocious right now, at least judging from the spike in mail from frustrated hosts.

I think people are overtaxed and overwhelmed and loath to close off the option of just curling into a ball at home come party time — understandable in an emotional sense, but unforgivable in a courtesy sense. It’s why we flirt with being so undeserving of nice things that people will stop inviting us to them.

So to anyone brave enough to host under these conditions, thank you. We need more social opportunities to come out of our tired, defensive crouches, not fewer.

I suggest building uncertainty into your plans. Serve something that will keep if you don’t use it all. Or have something on hand that’s shelf-, freezer- or fridge-stable, so you can either break it out when your main food supply is depleted or use it on your own if your party doesn’t need it.

I hate this advice, for the record. But I hate chasing people down, canceling and calling for pizza more.

Need Carolyn’s advice? Email your questions to tellme@washpost.com.