CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: I think I’m to the point of needing end-of-life care, or soon
will be, for my mom. It’s overwhelming to know what questions to ask, along with all the hard emotions. I know you’ve been through this — any advice or places to turn to get a grip on all this? Some moments I can barely breathe, but I want to do the right thing by my mom. — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: I’m sorry. All the feelings are right things, too.
Reputable hospice providers are a great resource for almost all of this, so ask your mom’s doctor. Some social workers specialize in end-of-life issues, too, and the federal eldercare locator at bit.ly/3UNDg9p can help you find local providers.
In my experience, the kindest gift we can give people at the end of their lives is our willingness to listen without letting our own stuff get in the way. Ask your mom if there’s anything she wants, needs, wants to say — and assure her you are there to meet her needs the best you can, and “please don’t worry about upsetting me.” Be prepared with basic incremental questions, like, “I want to honor your wishes. Are you comfortable talking about them?”
This is going to sound strange, but those times you can barely breathe are memories you might come to treasure. It is good to know that kind of love, to feel it viscerally, and to be there for it in all its forms. Take care.
Readers’ suggestions:
“Have you talked to your mother’s health care providers? Lawyer? Accountant? They can all help to make sure you have the forms and information you need — as can hospice. Contact them sooner rather than later, especially if your mother is still at home and wants to die there. But, as
Carolyn said, the most important thing is to be present for your mother and listen to whatever it is she needs to tell you. It’s not easy, but being there can be a gift not only to your parent, but to yourself. It’s really an honor to share those moments with someone you love, and a blessing, too.”
“Some hospitals have outpatient or community-oriented palliative care teams. They work with patients and their families every single day providing the kind of guidance you are seeking.”
Anonymous sent an update to the next chat.
— CH
Dear CH: Dear Carolyn: Thanks for answering my question last week. My mom made the choice to go into hospice, and my brother and I did everything we could to honor her wishes. Hospice was amazing — everything about it. Mom declined rapidly but held on for 40 hours of “active dying” while we sat at her bedside. Then I brought my dog in at the nurses’ urging, and as the dog lay on my feet, 20 minutes later I watched Mom slip away peacefully. Clearly, she was waiting to know we had her granddog ready to take over with the comfort. It was so hard and so beautiful. Thank you for the words that helped put me on this path.
— Anonymous Again
Dear Anonymous Again: Thank you, too, for coming back to share this at such a difficult time. I hope it’s especially helpful to someone who knows nothing of this process besides fear. My condolences, and may your mom’s memory be a blessing.