CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Dear Carolyn: I’ve never had a graduation party. I recognize they aren’t necessary, but they were semi-customary within my community — and even within my family, as my parents threw my sister (eight years older) multiple grad parties during my childhood. For a number of legitimate reasons, my family never planned anything to celebrate those milestones for me, beyond at least one parent being at the ceremony itself.

I was always fine with that. I put in the hard work to get a degree toward the career I feel most passionately about, and that’s the important thing.

I’m approaching graduation from law school after four years of night school while working full time, and I made an offhand comment to my mother that it would be nice to have a small graduation party with family.

My mother’s initial response was that no one would be willing to travel to be there, how stressful it would be to plan and how much money it would cost — even though I’d already offered to pay and do most of the planning, and had emphasized that it wasn’t about perfect attendance from family members as much as a nice opportunity to visit.

I’d only asked her in the first place because she still lives near all her siblings, but she’s made me feel so guilty for suggesting it that I almost wish I hadn’t mentioned anything at all. I’ve since withdrawn the suggestion entirely, but she keeps saying my parents would be “happy to do something to honor me.”

Her general demeanor has made me feel as if my accomplishment itself doesn’t matter unless I can plan every last detail.

Is there anything I can do to keep myself from reading the “you’re not worth my time/effort” subtext in her words? — It’s My Party, I Can ... Plan It If I Have To?

I don’t know why your parents threw parties for your sister but never for you. I don’t know whether the eight-year age gap affected their ability or willingness to do it. I don’t know whether their reasons during your childhood are the same as your mother’s excuses now, and whether the gaslighting is some new flair or a longtime signature move. I don’t know whether this narrow grad-party issue reflects a broader family trend.

I do know that if you pretend she means Y when she’s said X your whole life, then you’ll never buy it. So I won’t advise any “keep myself from” tactics. Instead, look straight into the void: Your mom no-showed, and that hurts.

You earned a round of applause and weren’t wrong to ask for it.

The mistakes you don’t want to make now are to keep pinning your hopes on something she apparently can’t give you, and doubting yourself because of it. Don’t agree with Mom that you’re X just because that’s her subtext. Moms are people, meaning they’re wrong about stuff all the time.

It may help, in fact, after grieving the loss of the party or parents you wish you had, if you spared a moment to pity your mom for this blind spot. She didn’t make the effort to treat you and your sister equitably, and note what it’s costing her: you. Unimaginable, really.

So consider this a perfect occasion to launch a new approach to support and celebration: choosing your people for how they treat you, vs. how they’re related to you.