CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Dear Carolyn: My father recently passed away, and one of my siblings posted the obituary I wrote on social media.

As algorithms do what they do, this somehow appeared on my ex’s feed. She sent a message offering condolences, and we exchanged pleasantries.

That should have been it — we divorced almost 35 years ago — except we divorced mostly due to my immaturity as well as infidelity. I grew up and changed, and I’ve been married now 30 years to a saint of a woman and am in a happy place in life.

The message has brought back memories of my poor behavior. A type of behavior and lifestyle I left behind 30-plus years ago. I am ashamed of who I used to be. And, yes, my wife knows about my past.

I have a strong desire to apologize to my ex-wife for what I did. I have no idea really that we will communicate any more beyond what has transpired. So, do I apologize or let it go?

— I Grew Up Dear I Grew Up: Why would you not tell her you’re sorry?

Her condolence note suggests she long since forgave you, plus these do-I-or-don’t-I-apologize situations can be deceptively difficult. But yours seems straightforward: She reached out to you, so you wouldn’t be blindsiding her out of three decades of nowhere. And you seem to want her to feel better, not let yourself off the hook. And you two were the principal players involved, so there’s no need to explain why you’re apologizing before you apologize, which can be an issue with the dredging up of ancient wrongs.

So, “I’m ashamed of the way I used to be, and I am sorry for mistreating you”? Yes.

Even if you have reason to believe she already knows this, already knows she wasn’t to blame, it’s still a kindness to help remove any doubt.

Dear Carolyn: I haven’t bonded with my boyfriend’s kids the way I’d hoped we would.

I have social anxiety that made it kind of hard to even talk to them at first, and now we just don’t have anything in common. They’re obsessed with hunting and fishing and I’m an animal rights vegan, so I can’t even pretend to be interested. But I try to plan fun outings, I go to their events, I’m 100 percent on their side when their dad is unnecessarily upset with them, etc. But they could take me or leave me. Maybe I should just be happy they don’t hate me, but is there anything else I can do? — Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: That actually doesn’t sound so bad — you’re a benevolent presence in their lives even while not being a close one. That’s arguably more difficult, since it’s based on your commitment to your role in their family and to them as people, vs. social ease or shared interests. The steadfast have a lot to teach us, too.

You’re also doing a lot already. I think the “anything else” you’re looking for is just your continued respectful presence, plus time, minus hopes. Connections may form organically — or not, but that’s still better than pushing to make it so.