DEAR PRUDENCE
Dear Prudence: My sister has been miserable since she had her baby two years ago. My brother-inlaw works too much, but they don’t have enough money. Her motherin-law is too overbearing, but never overbearing when my sister wants it. All her friends abandoned her, but she is the one who always cancels plans first. My sister will fly into a rage or start weeping on a dime. Don’t mention her seeing a therapist, because she will curse you out. I think I might be her favorite target other than her husband. I ask if I can come over for coffee (I live three hours away and she doesn’t drive), only for my sister to repeat that if I wanted to be a “real” sister, I would be offering to cook and clean. She has started talking about wanting another baby and just living in la-la land.
My BIL finally asked me for a heartto-heart about the subject. I told him I could not live their life: Things are already difficult now, and bringing another baby into the mix won’t make it any easier. And I said that he needed to start with the condoms if he was actually having doubts. Well, all hell broke loose because when my sister got upset that he refused to be intimate with her without protection, my BIL threw me under the bus. What she called me was unprintable, and she threw the abortion I’d had in college in my face. I was in a committed relationship and got raped. The thought of having my rapist’s child made me suicidal. My sister was the one whom I confided in, though I was later open about the subject.
My sister will not apologize or even acknowledge the lines she crossed. Everyone else is being all “Well, she has it hard,” and I just need to let it go. My BIL has told me he is sorry, but I think that’s because I now rarely talk to him or come over anymore. He is the last man standing. I know, intellectually, that my sister needs help. I am just not up for putting myself in the crossfire again. It hurts that people will frequently throw the welfare of my nephew in my face — what kind of aunt leaves a toddler to deal with a deranged mother alone? None of them offer any help other than wishes and prayers. So, what now?
—Hurt in Hartford Dear Hurt: It does sound as if your sister needs help, but you—a person whom she is pissed off at and doesn’t respect—are not going to be the person to persuade her to get it. Moreover, your own mental health isn’t in a great place. Take some time apart and take your focus off your sister, her moods, and her bad behavior, and put it on yourself. While it’s totally normal to be upset about the way her life is going, you have no control over it, and getting too invested will make you miserable.