CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED
Dear Carolyn: My wife, “Elise,” is in remission from breast cancer and is doing well. I’m so grateful. She has made a vow to stop wasting time on negative influences. I can see her point, but the problem is, this includes my sister.
I’ll admit my sister is self-centered, bends the truth, and loves stirring up drama and splashing it all over social media. For example, after Elise was diagnosed, my sister posted how she’d had a premonition that Elise had cancer and begged her to go get it checked out but she didn’t. None of that ever happened.
But that doesn’t mean she’s a terrible person. While Elise was sick, she sent food over regularly, checked in daily and helped with the yard work when I was overwhelmed. I don’t think she deserves to be cut out, but Elise sees her as causing constant grief. I’ve asked Elise to talk to my sister, but she said we’ve both tried this and it made the drama worse.
Elise promises she will be cordial to my sister when they meet and says I can see her whenever I want, but plans to avoid her and unfriend and block her on all social media. This will cause unbelievable turmoil. I’m trying to be sensitive to what my wife has been through, but I think she’s going too far here. Isn’t she? — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: You asked Elise to reconsider, and she said no. You don’t have to agree with her to respect her right to do this. And yes, saying “Thanks for the food and yard work,” then blocking her, is less than ideal. But your sister’s disregard for the truth and privacy is worse.
Elise has already compromised by agreeing to be cordial when their paths cross. That’s the gig when half a couple opts out of someone. Plus, you technically incurred whatever indebtedness you feel toward your sister; you can’t hold your wife to it. The one accommodation I’d add is for Elise to mute vs. unfriend your sister. No need to touch off any “unbelievable turmoil.”
About that: Flipping out is your sister’s problem, not Elise’s. Plus: You’re citing the threat of turmoil as a reason for Elise to reconsider, but it serves even better as cause for Elise to distance herself. Don’t cave to a tantrum unless you want more tantrums.
If the turmoil happens despite Elise’s discreet distancing efforts, then it’ll be your problem only to the extent that you agree to make it yours. You are also at liberty to say to your sister, “Elise is giving herself the space she needs, and I totally support her.” Then, to any other blowback: “This is not my business, so I’m out,” and prove it by staying out.
Readers’ thoughts:
“And what did you do about your sister’s awful, invasive transgression? If my sister did that to my wife, I’d have blocked her and cut her off in real life. Your wife has proposed a reasonable compromise, and you’re still whining.”
“Some of the best advice I ever received: ‘It’s hard enough to love the people you love, without having to love the people they love.’ Go ahead and have your best relationship with your sister, while Elise stays out of the drama.”
“As a breast cancer survivor, my advice is just give your wife time. I was very strong and grateful during treatment, but once treatment was over, it left me with a range of emotions about the people who were or were not supportive of me. I took advantage of counseling at my treatment center.”