CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: My mom really wants to be close to me and to spend a lot of time with my young children, but she is so constantly critical of me, my appearance, my parenting and other intangible aspects of my life that I find her difficult to be around as often as she wants. I actually think it comes back to some form of undiagnosed anxiety, but she’s not willing to have that conversation.
I try to make sure we spend time with her on a regular basis, and the kids love her.
I just find it so difficult and sometimes actually hurtful to be around her. I also give her opportunities to babysit without me there, but then she calls me later to express her criticisms.
This is an aspect of her personality that doesn’t seem likely to change, and one I have talked to her about many times without effect. How do I keep it from getting in the way of family harmony? — Can’t Take The Criticism
Dear Can’t Take The Criticism: You stop listening to it. Flat-out stop. “But then she calls me later”? Lovely. The moment she decides to “express her criticisms,” though, the call is over. “Oop, Mom, gotta run. Talk later” [click], as the opening fragment of her latest critique hangs there unfinished and unanswered except by silence on your end of the line.
You don’t have to stand there and take any of it. Ever. Not in person, either. “I’m going to stop you there, Mom.” Calmly. When she picks at you, she undermines your kids — so model for them how to stand up for themselves.
You can tell her this, too, before you start. Let her know plainly and without rancor what’s happening from now on — or not. Whichever you choose is fine as long as you’re not having a CONVERSATION about it. It’s a statement or nothing. Maybe, “Mom, I’ve told you how I feel about when you criticize so many things about me. You chose not to stop when I respectfully asked you to. That’s your choice, but I have choices, too, so if you criticize me, then I will end the conversation. I am telling you as a courtesy.” Use your own words or help yourself to mine.
She can huff about your choice but, as promised, you WILL NOT engage with her on the subject.
Your hunch about anxiety sounds right. It’s so sad and self-defeating:
Caring so much about how someone “turns out,” as your mom appears to, can ramp up people’s fears and stress ... which encourages them to dwell on problems and imperfections ... which spills out as expressions of concern and criticism and efforts to fix and control ... which drag down the mood and confidence of the person they’re so invested in ... undermining, even stunting, the very person they want so badly to succeed. And damaging the parent-child or parent-grandchild relationship, too.
It’s not only sad, but also ironic. Here’s hoping your “no” campaign nudges her toward getting help. But all you can do is stop completing the dysfunctional transaction.
A reader’s thought:
“Is she only critical of the parent, not of the children? If there’s a chance she’s including them in her worry and negativity, then I’d be leery of having her look after them without someone else there. My own grandmothers each saw their alone time with me as a chance to ‘fix’ what my parents weren’t doing ‘right.’”
Need Carolyn’s advice? Email your questions to tellme@washpost.com.