July 4 can be Independence Day from being overweight
New Year’s Day and the beginning of the summer have something in common: Both are popular times when people decide it’s time to lose weight and start exercising. The decision in January is often tied to people being inspired to start the New Year off right, and the decision before the summer is usually tied to wanting to look good at the beach. July 4 is quickly approaching, and it seems that we are seeing an influx of weight-loss and workout ads. Clearly, the marketers know what is on people’s minds.
For a decade or more, every New Year, I said, “This is the year. I’m finally doing it.” And I meant it! However, usually by Jan. 9, I would have spent a significant amount of money to join a health club or purchase a home treadmill that was already collecting dust, or a sparkling new set of weights neatly tucked away in the deepest, darkest recess of the closet, never to be seen again until the day I move. Then out of somewhere, I decided to have just one slice of pizza, which turned into six slices. Like a Kentucky Derby horse, I was off and running. I would get upset at others for donating the clothes I never wanted to see again because then I had nothing to wear to the yogurt shop.
While in bed watching television and eating a bowl of low-fat ice cream (still trying my best), I was reminded that summer is here and that my friends and family were obsessed with getting me into any body of water as long as it was outside of my home. One summer, they agreed to allow themselves to be schlepped by me to the presidential libraries and Mount Rushmore; now it was payback time. They were sick of me sitting on a blanket watching them romp while eating pinwheel sandwiches and consuming most of the churros.
Nobody ever doubted my seriousness. However, when August would come around, you would find me fully dressed and pulling a frozen chocolate banana from the cooler while everyone else was frolicking in the water.
I know this story because it was my story. Year after year, I promised myself, my family and everyone I met that this would be the year. But time and again, I faltered. I saw overweight people on television claiming to be happy and proud of carrying the extra weight, but I wasn’t one of them. I wasn’t happy, and my family was worried about me. They were scared for my health.
Then, one day, I got the message. A friend pointed to a man with a walker and said, “You don’t have to end up like him if you don’t want to.” Shortly after, as I was about to go onstage, my comedian friend Dom Irrera sneaked up behind me and whispered in my ear, “You are so fat.” Those two moments changed my life. The sight of the man with the walker scared me enough to start making a change, and Dom’s truth-telling made me forever grateful to him. It all shook me to the core. Somehow, I found the missing piece of the puzzle. I became willing. Without willingness, which is the gas, the car won’t start.
I woke up the next morning as a new person. I was now willing to do anything needed to lose weight and get healthy. My value system had been altered. It’s now been over 12 years. I have never looked back and have managed to keep off almost 50 pounds.
My approach is simple: One day at a time, never give up giving up and don’t die. Although I must admit, there are at least a few days a week when I want to throw in the towel that now fits nicely around my waist without falling off. Giving up is ingrained in me. I’m a professional quitter. I’ve been giving up since I was 6. If I manage to have five perfect days a year, that’s a lot. So, is keeping the weight off easy? Absolutely not. It’s akin to starting a new business each morning.
Just the other day, I found myself digging into a bag of my wife’s Fritos. I never buy that stuff. When I do give in to temptation, I tend to eat as if someone is watching me through binoculars. I gobble without experiencing any enjoyment. It’s one of the few areas where guilt still lingers. But for me, a little guilt works. I don’t berate myself; I simply allow myself to feel bad about what I have done, and then I move on.
I have also learned that I can’t rely on my own family for support. They don’t want to believe how weak I am. So I seek outside help. There is plenty of assistance available, much of it for free. But with professional help and supportive friends on a similar journey, I have managed to stay on track.
I exercise seven days a week for about 40 minutes each day. I own a treadmill that is not used as a coat rack. I lift light weights. As for food, my wife is off the hook. I am a conscience eater and I do most of my cooking and grocery shopping. She’s happy, and I’m happy.
Now, I have no qualms about swimming with family and friends, but I prefer pools over the ocean. I have a theory that sharks prefer people who are in good shape. Since they are in better shape than I am, I leave them alone, and they leave me alone. I have now added push-ups, crunches and squats in case I get the urge to join a nude beach club for seniors.
Mark Schiff is a 50-year veteran comedian who has performed regularly alongside Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Maher, Paul Reiser, Jay Leno and other comedians. His recent book, “Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Chutzpah,” focuses on his drive to entertain, how his tenacious personality helped him learn from and persevere through life’s toughest challenges, and his ethos of using his experiences to entertain others. He also has a hit podcast, “You Don’t Know Schiff.”