My gym crush is haunting me

Q. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than four years. I started going to the gym by myself because my boyfriend used to work a lot.

Over a year, I developed a huge crush on one guy at the gym — and I believe he had a crush on me. But we never talked or even said hello to each other. I kept guessing his name, but never had the guts to approach him. I always blushed when he was around, and he had a shy smile. Then I had to leave that gym for six months because of my work.

Recently I joined again, but this time with my boyfriend. I thought I would never see my gym crush again, but suddenly he was there — and he saw my boyfriend and I working out together. My gym crush looked sad, and I don’t know why it’s bothering me. I love my boyfriend and he is perfect. I should be focusing on that, right? I don’t want to lose him, but when I left the gym, I kept thinking about my gym crush.

If my gym crush had a crush on me, he would try to find me on social media, right? I don’t like feeling this guilt. When I see my crush, I feel like I am losing feelings for my boyfriend.

Is it normal to have these feelings sometime? Or is this completely wrong? Please help. Thank you.

WORKING IT OUT A. It’s OK to have crushes on people. It happens, even if you’re in a wonderful, exclusive relationship with a partner.

It’s pretty easy to develop crushes on fictional people, and to some extent, that’s what your gym crush is. You don’t know if he’s kind, mean, extroverted, or shy. You don’t even know his name. You like the way he looks (and his facial expressions), but everything else about him is an invention. He’s perfect because you can make him anything you want. It’s not a real connection until you get to know him.

Also, I would guess that his facial expressions correspond to yours. If you saw him after a long time and seemed surprised or upset, he might have been mirroring that. Maybe what you saw him show was ... confusion.

My question for you: Does your crush on this man suggest that you might want to be single? Do you wish you were in a place where flirting and connecting on social media could be OK? If you want to be on your own, seeing what else is out there, that’s not about the gym crush. He’s just a catalyst.

Maybe this crush is upsetting you because you don’t know how to categorize it. Think about what he symbolizes, and make decisions accordingly.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

So to recap: You don’t know this guy’s name. He doesn’t know yours. You’ve never spoken to him. You think your boyfriend is perfect, yet you think this guy should be searching for you on social media and you’re constantly thinking of him? ... You should break up with your boyfriend.

PMCD101

Having crushes is not a big deal. But you do need to figure out why you have created this fantasy world where a man you see in the gym, but have never spoken with, possesses feelings that exactly mirror your own.

HEYITHINK

“... he would try to find me on social media, right?” How about focus on people who actually speak to you!

42GIANTS

Having a long-lasting crush on a complete stranger, whose name you don’t even know, who you didn’t find on social media (why should it just be him?), means you are not quite satisfied with your relationship with your boyfriend. I would examine that. Maybe he’s perfect, but you are not quite ready to settle down (also no one is perfect, so if you think that, examine that thought as well).

ASH