My husband had an emotional affair at work
Q. I wonder what your take is on this.
It’s that old old story: My husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker and close friend that has disrupted our long marriage. I called him on it, he admitted it, and we have been working through couples therapy for some months now, trying to figure out just what happened there.
Couples therapy is definitely helping. But here’s my problem: His co-worker was a longtime single person when they were emotionally involved, but literally, within days of my raising my concerns about their relationship and my husband telling her things would need to change, she very rapidly found a guy and moved in with him. They’re getting married next year.
The downstream effect of this is that I feel an incredible lack of closure. I worry that my husband didn’t really choose me or the marriage; she just rendered herself inert by making herself unavailable. And they’re still working together. What the heck do you do in a situation like this to regain your self-image and self-respect?
OLD STORY
A. Your husband made the decision to work on this marriage before his co-worker moved in with someone else, right? He could have told you, when confronted about the affair, “I love her and want to be with her.” That’s not what happened. That’s your closure (or something close to it).
My guess is that this is no longer about a specific woman and more about whether the two of you can find something you lost. Over time, people can forget to put effort into their relationship. Partners wind up treating a long-term commitment like one of those hard-to-kill plants that rebound with a little water, but I think most marriages are more delicate than that. They need pruning and light (feel free to throw in other plant metaphors here; I generally buy the ones you can’t destroy ... sometimes I opt for plastic).
Shift your focus from this other woman to what’s happening at home. Consider how you can have fun with your spouse. Take time off from work together, and figure out whether he can still make you happy.
Whenever you focus on this woman and jump on a hamster wheel about what she’s up to, remember that the dynamic has already changed so much. She’s living with someone and doing her own thing. You will never know her — or her motives. It’s better to center your spouse and see if he can do the same.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Your self-worth is not tied up in this. It is independent of any relationship, always. Figure out how to keep those things separate and you will be a much happier person. SETTING THE WORLD ON FIRE
Stop focusing on her, and focus instead on your husband and your relationship. She is now irrelevant. She was a symptom, your attention is required on the cause. WIZEN
Are you angry because she moved on from your husband so quickly? Do you think she should have suffered more emotionally? Based on what you said, this “emotional affair” that was so hurtful to you didn’t seem to have the same meaning to her. She may have viewed your husband as simply a “close work friend.” Honestly, that’s all your husband may have seen her as, too. I would need more details on what was going on between them, but admittedly, I’m starting from a position of believing that the idea of an emotional affair is ridiculous.
THEREALALMIGHTY-ZEESUS
He could have asked you for a divorce or lied to you, but instead he broke it off with her. It sounds like he’s working with you on your marriage. What the co-worker did after your husband ended it isn’t relevant here — this is about you and your husband, not her.
SURFERROSA
You need to forgive and let go or else you’ll create a new problem in your marriage. That’s the closure.
OUTOFORDER
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