The one who got away . . . has returned!
Q. After college, I met a lovely young man about five years older. He was working on his master’s around Boston, where I’m from.
After returning to Boston, we began dating and were together for five years. The first few were beautiful (we even lived abroad for a time), while the last two were confusing for me. He never expressed issues with the relationship, though I felt like we had reached a plateau. Looking back, I was quite disconnected from my emotions, a poor communicator, and unsure of my sexuality. I didn’t know what I wanted at 27.
When I broke things off, he moved out without a fight, though he reached out after a few months with a teary phone call. He asked if I had reconsidered, and, so soon after the breakup, I hadn’t. A couple of years later, when I realized I wanted to try to rekindle things, he had already moved on with a lovely woman. The pain was real, especially the self-blame from having been the one to call things off.
I have dated and grown in the process, but have found no long-term prospects. I just finished a master’s in a field I enjoy, am involved in several community groups, am active, and can communicate my needs and take care of more of them myself. Still, I wish I could have another chance with the ex. He was one of the most intelligent, thoughtful, funny, humble, handsome, loyal, kind, and respectful individuals I’ve ever met. Maybe not someone who can spin me around the dance floor, but someone I could imagine building a beautiful life with.
A few weeks ago, after being single for some months, I reached out via e-mail to see if he wanted to meet to catch up — and he said yes. I was shocked to see online that as of a year ago he is no longer with the woman he dated after me. Also, every once in a while, he consults with my parent regarding financial advice (but told my parent to keep this hush, hush). In our e-mail correspondence in planning the meetup, he said he is looking forward to seeing me soon, but wrote nothing that makes me think he has other hopes. My question is: How do I approach the meetup? Do I just have to leave it up to the universe? How much of my feelings should I share with him?
I know there’s a good chance this won’t go anywhere romantically, but I so wish it would. FINALLY MEETING THE
ONE WHO GOT AWAY A. Leave it up to the universe. By that I mean relax and see what happens.
You’re creative, so you’ve been coming up with beautiful stories about what it will feel like to be near him. You’ve already imagined your ideal life with him, but you don’t know how he’s changed. You might get together and be like, “Eh, this is boring.”
Give yourself space to feel a range of emotions. Do your best to hold all decisions — and confessions — until after you actually see him. You don’t want this fictional romantic story to override whatever’s in front of you. Pay attention.
If you want to go on a date with him after this meeting, tell him. Don’t pretend it’s a friendship. That’s when you can tell him you’d like to try something new. If you’re not sure what you want after one meetup, be honest about that.
I’m excited for you, and I hope it’s a good time. I’d love this to turn out to be “the one who got away just long enough to be the right kind of partner now.” That would be thrilling.
But if not, that’s OK. Go into this meetup without expectations.
Also, please tell us what happens next.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Think about it this way: You are not the same people you were before. So this is essentially a first date. Could be nice. Could be terrible. Enjoy getting to know him as he is now.
PRINCEHANS
I think you should be sure that you want him and are not just feeling discouraged because you haven’t found anyone else to date. SURFERROSA
Keep your hopes and expectations very low. It could be a “catch-up” type meeting that doesn’t reveal a hint of interest on his part. Be prepared for that outcome. As Meredith requested, let us know how it goes. FREEADVICEFORYOU
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/ loveletters.