After 25 years apart, we’re living together again

Q. Thirty-three years ago I dated and lived with a guy for five years. He was 22 and I was 19 when we met. We had two kids during our relationship. I thought everything was great, but apparently he didn’t because one day he went to work and never came home. When he left I was five months pregnant and our other child was 4.

I tried to talk to him but he wanted nothing to do with me, no explanation at all. Later, after our son was born, I found out he had been cheating and moved in with the other woman. They bought a house and basically did everything we planned to do, minus the kids. This crushed me. I packed up the kids and moved out of the state. I didn’t come back for 25 years. He didn’t see the kids or pay child support. I was fine with that because I didn’t want this woman around my kids. Eventually she took my ex for everything he had.

After 25 years, I ran into him. We talked, went out to dinner, and quickly moved back in together. It’s been two years and I’m wanting to make our relationship more permanent, and he is just beating around the bush. Neither of us ever married, and now I’m ready. My question is: Do I stay or should I run like hell as far away as I can get? I love him, I never stopped loving him. He says the same about me, but won’t commit. I’m lost, confused, and at my wits’ end.

LOST IN LOVE A. If you believe he’s changed, that he’s planning a life with you, and that his presence is good for you and your grown kids, that might be as good as marriage. Not everyone needs paperwork to prove they want to stick around. Also, it might be better if you don’t tether your finances to his.

Talk about the promises you are willing to make to each other, and see if they match. You could do that in couples therapy, by the way. That would be a great place to discuss your history and where you are now.

Of course, if this is about more than the contract of marriage, and he seems unsure about being with you long-term, you can let go. You say you’re at your wits’ end. You also mention running “like hell” as one of your best options. You and your ex moved in together quickly after decades apart. Maybe you jumped over the steps that would have answered more questions.

Talk to him about what’s holding him back and really listen to what he tells you. If he can’t be clear about what you’re building — or if he can, and it doesn’t match your needs — know that this is not the right partnership. This relationship won’t work if you want different things, or if you don’t believe his promises.

It shouldn’t continue if running is always on your mind.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

Getting married to this guy won’t make your relationship more permanent. He could still walk out the door at any second, if that’s what you’re worried about.

SURFERROSA

What kind of dirtbag could leave his/her kids and not ever look back? Nobody you want to be involved with, that’s who. Hard pass.

DOGSKI

You took the kids and moved away, allowing him no contact with them. He apparently had no interest in seeing them either? Now that you ran into him again, you’re living with him again? Why? Nothing has changed in his behavior since you were first together.

HIKERGALNH128

When you say “moved back in together” you mean he moved into your place ... right?

STRIPEYCAT

^Exactly my thoughts.

FREEADVICEFORYOU

I wouldn’t trust this guy. Not sure what you love about him but I wouldn’t give a second chance to a guy who up and left me and my kids.

BKLYNMOM

Why would you watch this movie again, knowing how it ends? Don’t settle for a rerun.

WIZEN

Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.