After a good start, she ghosted me
Q. I recently went on a date and my impression was that it went well. We split the bill, spoke of goals in life, shared laughs about an array of topics, and left the night with a hug and a “see you again” expression. That date was Thursday night. We texted over the weekend here and there, and it was a two-way feeling with the texting — she asked me what I was doing, etc.
I was getting a good feel for this and was thinking, “Cool first date, didn’t hook up after first date, continuing dialogue in the days after, and the same volume of conversation is still happening consistently days after.” Texted her Monday, though, and didn’t hear back. No biggie. I’m 32, she’s 27; we’re adults and people are busy.
But two days turning into a week was a clear sign of ghosting.
How do I keep my motivation up and not get discouraged after this kind of disappointment? I want to keep believing in relationships.
FIRST DATE A. You texted after the date. Back and forth, back and forth. But did you ever ask her out again? Did you attempt to make a plan?
Sometimes, when a conversation seems like it’s ping-ponging without going anywhere, a person gives up. Maybe she lost interest or met someone else, but perhaps she was discouraged by the pace of things. Just throwing it out there as a possibility.
A lesson: after a good first date, make another one soon.
Texting is nice, but you don’t need to have long “What are you up to?” conversations before you put something on the books. We talk a lot about not texting too much before a first date — because why invest the time before you have even met? But I think that’s something to consider for a second date too. Why not keep the momentum going and ask for the next meeting?
If you did ask her out and she didn’t respond, oh well. Give yourself a break, see friends, treat yourself to an activity you like, and then start again. Dating can be exhausting. You have to refuel by doing things you love.
Another ideal for morale: Talk to couples about their courtships. Meeting someone involves a lot of luck combined with effort, but it’s possible. Love stories are good reminders that there’s reason for optimism.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
This was a first date; most don’t lead to a second date. Second, “We split the bill” is a death sentence for a high percentage of women. Third, this is dating; people flake for lots of reasons. Maybe she had another date the next night and it went better, maybe some other thing. You don’t know, move along, it’s part of the process.
THATGUYINRI
You could actually try texting her with an invite out. Don’t mention not hearing from her, just simply ask her out to something specific. I suspect she lost interest, though, so don’t expect to hear back. As far as getting over it, what are you trying to get over? A good date and a few text messages is nothing.
SUNALSORISES
Having a good first date doesn’t mean as much as you might think. Everyone’s kind of hopped up on first date adrenaline (and probably a round or two of liquid courage). There’s a performative aspect of it because even though you’re trying to “be yourself ” you want to make a good initial impression. You learn way more about whether you’re actually compatible/have a connection on dates two and three, I think.
ELLLEEM
Don’t be discouraged. First dates are like job interviews and even though it seemingly went well, you didn’t get the job. People do not contact the employer to ask why they didn’t get the job and complain that the interview went so well, and you need to know why and who eventually got hired. No need for closure. Move on and eventually you will get that second and third date.
AUNTTIGGYWINK
If she liked you, she was likely bummed to get “S’up?” texts instead of an invitation for a second date. Strike while the iron’s hot.
DANGLEPARTICIPLE
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.