How ADHD has affected our marriage

Q. I’ve been with my husband for almost eight years and married for five of those years. He always suspected he had ADHD because he is very forgetful, has trouble focusing and planning, has periods of binge shopping, and a tendency to start multiple projects without finishing any of them. He finally got a formal diagnosis. He’s trying meds and working on new habits to help him organize his thoughts.

Because of this, I have taken on the “organizer” role from the very beginning, including setting up our budget, tracking credit card and bill-payment due dates, organizing important paperwork, and being the “project manager” of countless home improvement endeavors (some of which have eventually been completed, others not).

I make reminders for myself to remind him to do things, and have convinced him to go through his excess possessions and project materials on a regular basis so that we don’t live in constant clutter. Our house, garage, and shed are only so big.

I often feel mentally exhausted and frustrated from having this role from the beginning. I could be more relaxed, but I feel that I have to take on these tasks for my own sanity. I can let certain things go for a time and choose battles wisely, but eventually I still come to the same feeling of resentment. I’ve talked with a therapist about how to better manage my feelings and take action with my husband to prevent the resentment from building up and boiling over. I understand that I need to make some effort here.

Also, as of late, he has been sharing YouTube videos with me of content creators with ADHD explaining what it’s like living with it, so that hopefully I can better understand where he’s coming from. I completely understand how difficult things must be for him. But I can’t help feeling frustrated and wishing that I could walk away from this and lead a simpler life where I’m not constantly managing things. I do plan on talking to him about my thoughts and trying to find a way to work together on outstanding projects and tasks.

Now that I’ve vented, do you have any words of wisdom or advice that can help me navigate this situation? Thank you so much for reading.

FRUSTRATED

A. You don’t know what this will look like in a year or more. Your husband has been like this for a long time, but his diagnosis is new, right? Try to be patient. He’s still figuring it out, as are you.

Self-care seems like a good thing to put on the agenda. Can you press pause on some of these projects for a weekend and enjoy each other? It sounds like there’s a lot of fixing happening — and improvement is good — but what if you spent a few hours taking a day trip that has nothing to do with getting something done? It’s about remembering why you chose him to begin with.

As you take these breaks from tasks, consider what can be outsourced. I’m reminded of the time I hired an organizer to help me with my late mom’s belongings. That professional wound up assisting me with my own systems of organization at home. She noticed that I always threw my bras on the floor. I explained that no matter how many times I promised myself I’d put a bra away (as opposed to tossing it on the ground), I never changed my behavior. She said, “Oh, well ... just a hook then.” Suddenly, there was a hanging hook right at the place where I usually created mess. (FYI, if you’re local, feel free to e-mail me about the organizer person.)

The point of the story is that hiring that woman for a few hours made my life cleaner, and I didn’t have to change any of my habits. She was building systems for living around my instincts. Someone like that could be helpful for you. Delegating other tasks in ways that are affordable (paying someone to remove mess) might be worth it — again, if it’s financially possible.

Last thought: Support groups can be great. A quick Google search led me to a few ADHD/marriage-focused meetings, and I’m sure doctors can recommend others.

Good luck — and yeah, more therapy is a good idea too.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

He’s sharing what it’s been like for him; you should do the same.

WIZEN

My partner has ADHD. We experience the same pains that are being explained here. You either accept it or you don’t. There really isn’t any other way to sugarcoat it. And yes, if you can afford to outsource some of those projects that never get finished, do it. In fact, commit to not starting any additional projects until ALL of the unfinished projects are done. Also, a pad of paper on the kitchen counter with the chore list that you SHARE makes a huge difference. And you can stop, take a deep breath, and take a few days off from being the project manager, like Meredith said. Don’t treat him like a child; he isn’t one. He just has a different focus than you do. Good luck!

KC01880

Bills need to be paid, but after that you should critically examine your own expectations for these projects. How many of them, if they did not happen, would ruin your lives? Do enough to get by, and let yourself enjoy the experiences of life with him.

TERMINATER5

It sounds like you’re both “working” on this in your individual silos. If you both really do want things to change, why not get together in the same room with a professional who’s an ADHD specialist? Also, Mere’s suggestion of support groups could help in the same way.

STRIPEY-CAT

My husband of 30 years has ADHD and never found a medication that worked for him. It’s definitely frustrating at times. But I’m far from perfect myself, and although he’s unorganized, distracted, and forgetful, he’s also incredibly kind, generous, funny, and forgiving, and I would marry him again in a heartbeat. Maybe focus on what you love about your husband and what you can improve about yourself. Or divorce him and let him find someone who truly loves him as he is.

CAKESNIFFER ^That was very sweet and I love the adjectives you use to describe your husband. Well done to you both on 30 years.

ALEE274