Josie Arthur felt like an outsider growing up; music helped her understand why
Emerson College student Josie Arthur’s debut album, “Grendel,” released in January, reflects on her childhood and how it shaped her. For the singersongwriter, who records as Jobie, it was also a path to self-discovery, unearthing complicated emotions and revelations.
And the title track seemed to prophesize an autism diagnosis that would explain why she had felt like an outsider her whole life.
The 21-year-old artist from Richmond, Va., started making up songs when she was 4 — she recalls a recording of her singing about never having kissed a boy. But she took her craft more seriously at the beginning of high school.
“I remember my freshman year that I was in the shower, and I was like, ‘What if I just wrote a pop song right now?’ ” she said. “And I did.”
However most of her music is “reactionary,” like “irish goodbye” about feeling like an outsider at an Emerson party.
Her album and title track came from reading “Grendel” by John Gardner — “Beowulf ” from the perspective of antihero Grendel — during her senior year of high school.
“He’s a loner, and [no one] understands him. And he tries to reach out, but it all backfires,” she said.
She identified with Grendel throughout her childhood, labeling herself as a “weird kid.”
In “grendel,” she sings about being alone as a kid and how an “ax in [her] back left [her] black and blue to this day.” The line references the axes wielded by the people who chase Grendel out of town after he tells them he’s harmless, just a friend. Everyone sees him as a monster.
“I didn’t really have friends when I grew up, they were few and far between. Either kids wouldn’t like me, or I liked being alone,” she said. “I relate to Grendel because, metaphorically and in a physical sense, I was ‘out,’ and the other people were all ‘in.’”
After seeing TikToks of people discussing their own experiences with autism, her mom suggested she might have the disorder.
Arthur, through teary eyes as she recalled that conversation, said it made sense to her. Her younger brother has autism, and she saw similarities between them.
“I just wasn’t noticed,” she said. “I’m a girl, and I had to learn how to be pleasant in front of people because that’s what’s drilled into you when you’re young.”
Girls with “higher functioning” autism aren’t always diagnosed or are diagnosed late because they mask symptoms or doctors misunderstand their symptoms, according to researchers. They are sometimes referred to as “the lost girls.”
After Arthur’s diagnosis in 2021, the pieces finally came together. “It all suddenly made sense why I was really different as a kid. I was really good at talking to adults and maybe not [at] talking to kids my age. I had a really specialized interest in bugs. I’m able to hyper-focus on writing songs.”
Her struggles with not understanding why she felt like an outsider bleed into her music videos. The videos often depict her interacting with people wearing animal masks, as in “cruel vice” — an allusion to autism masking, where people with autism shift their behavior to act more like those around them.
She ends “cruel vice” by putting on her own animal mask to assimilate into the group.
She “overcorrects” to fit in, but becomes exhausted from turning into a different version of herself for other people’s comfort.
“I get really burnt out [and] emotionally withdrawn,” she said, adding that she needs time to recharge after masking.
Most of Arthur’s songs reflect on interpersonal relationships — romantic endings or interacting with people who don’t understand her.
But she isn’t alone in feeling alone. Arthur plays house shows and frequently performs at The Lilypad in Cambridge. When she sang “grendel” live for the first time, some people in the audience approached her afterward to express how moved they were by the song.
“Even though we might not be the same,” she said, “we do have the same hurts.”