I regret ending this marriage

Q. At the end of January, my husband of almost four years and I broke up. Throughout our marriage, there were always fights about him feeling like I didn’t do enough. He was in school for his PhD. I worked full time and made enough that he didn’t have to work.

It all came to a head during our last fight; he told me I should quit wasting our time and set him free. This wasn’t the first, second, or third time he’d said this. He mentioned this feeling throughout our marriage. He said he wasn’t happy, that I wasn’t giving him enough affection and sex, and that he should not feel like a celibate man in his early 30s while married (I recently turned 30).

That day, I caved. I told him maybe he was right and that we should break up. He tried reconciling with me after a mediator got involved, but my heart couldn’t do it at the time. I even found out I was pregnant with our first child, but still, my heart wouldn’t budge.

Fast forward to now. I am still pregnant and my heart has started to beat for him again. I kick myself for even responding to him that day and saying anything. My family members were all relieved when we broke up. They felt he was controlling and taking advantage of me. I never felt that way. He feels like I chose my family over him and now he hates my family, blames them for our breakup, and refers to them as “wolves.”

He has started taking to another woman and has told me multiple times that he has moved on, and that because of my family we could never get back together. My question is: How do I navigate through this mess of a heartbreak? Is everything my fault here? I wish we could go back to being married and have our little family like I always wanted. Should I just let go and “move on” like he has?

PREGNANT IN THE SOUTH

A. 1. It’s nice to be a talented fiction writer — and it sounds like you are — but this is not the time to make up a story about your marriage. You’re fantasizing about a relationship you didn’t have. You want your little family? A happy married life? That wasn’t what you shared with your husband. He told you he wanted out of your relationship multiple times. Whenever you find yourself imagining how wonderful it would be if you were still a couple, remember that you’re inventing something new you could have with someone else.

2. You had a strong feeling in your heart/gut to move on. Follow that instinct. It sounds like you’re feeling grief and loneliness now, but that doesn’t change the facts. Trust your past self and your decision.

3. Ask one of your “wolves” to tell you how they saw your husband controlling you. It might help to hear the small things they noticed along the way. It sounds like they were paying attention.

4. I find it suspicious that the one moment your husband second-guessed the divorce was when there was a mediator, someone who might divide assets and give you more control. Maybe I’m wrong about motives here, but I think it’s worth mentioning.

5. It would be nice to focus on the new structure of your family and share your life with people who are psyched to be around you. You said, “Throughout our marriage, there were always fights about him feeling like I didn’t do enough.” That’s not how you want it to be. Co-parent, keep it civil, and raise your expectations.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

You work full time, financially support the partnership, but you didn’t do enough for him? Don’t reconcile, Dear Letter Writer.

HIKERGALNGH128

I am sure he did panic when the mediator was involved; he saw the money train pulling out of the station. You will get through this, not easily but you will. Best of luck to you.

LEFTYLUCY7

“I wish we could go back to being married and have our little family like I always wanted.” From what you described, that wouldn’t have been a very happy or peaceful life anyway . ... The end of a marriage is certainly sad, but I hope you can appreciate and embrace the peace that it has given you as you become a new parent.

BONECOLD

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