Parenting in what feels like end times

As a first-time parent, I spend a decent amount of time Googling things like potty training tips and “fun things to do with a toddler.” But I also have a tendency toward darker, more concerning searches for things like bulletproof backpacks and tiny face masks that block airborne viruses and wildfire smoke. And that’s not all the parental doom and gloom that’s been on my mind. I just learned that the leading cause of death for children ages 1 to 4 is drowning. Add to that the fact that gun violence is the leading cause of death for children of all ages in this country.

There have been lots of pop culture tongue-incheek references to the time we are living in as

“the apocalypse,” but the truth is these days can feel pretty close to it. (Even the Doomsday Clock has ticked forward, portending The End.) Pew Research Center data from 2022 found that 1 in 4 Americans think we are living in end times. It’s no wonder. With climate change, the rise of artificial intelligence (and related concerns of human extinction), and extreme political polarization, it’s hard to look at the tiny face of a child who’s excited about cartoons and ice cream while you’re wondering if society will make it through another year. The mental load of parenting in 2023 is crushing.

Perhaps I have this gut-wrenching anxiety because I became a mother in my late 40s, with a lot of experience with the world and its discontents. Maybe it’s because my son was born six weeks before the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown in New York City. Maybe it’s my own personal battle with anxiety and depression. Maybe it’s spending two decades as a journalist addicted to the news, good or bad. Or maybe it’s all of those things, along with the general anxiety of being a parent today and the outlandish culture that we have accepted living with. A March 2023 CNN poll found that 69 percent of Americans said they thought things in the country were going pretty badly or very badly.

To be sure, humans have had to raise children in far more deplorable conditions, including war, famine, slavery, and genocide. But outside of those horrific experiences, our society should have child well-being as a top priority, not something that is akin to a casino game where you may or may not win. The United States remains the only country in the United Nations that has failed to ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child, leaving policies about child well-being in the hands of individual states. As a result, children in many states remain unprotected from child marriage, forced labor, and other abuses, Human Rights Watch found.

This shows a clear lack of responsibility on the part of both political parties to move forward an agenda that protects our youngest. Parents in the richest country in the world should not have to wonder if their children will be killed at school. I shouldn’t have to explain to a 3-year-old who wants to sit on a stoop on a summer afternoon and watch cars go by that we can’t because the air is “no good.” And it’s not just the stress that’s affecting parents that worries me. It’s also how that stress will trickle down to our children. Data from Pew on the state of our country’s families show that 76 percent of parents are either very concerned or somewhat concerned about their children suffering from anxiety or depression.

Yet there are ways to manage some of this stress, at least when it comes to our own families. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy has recommendations for parenting in times of crisis, including trying to stay calm in front of children and offering developmentally appropriate answers to their questions. Other recommendations include limiting news, television, and radio broadcasts, focusing on spending quality time, and providing a safe, consistent environment for them.

Parents also need help managing their own anxiety, especially those who don’t have the proverbial village that it takes to raise a child. Therapy helps. So can medication, if needed. The Center for the Study of Social Policy offers some frameworks for creating parental resilience, including encouraging parents to take care of themselves, acknowledging parental stressors, and encouraging the building of social connections.

Some parents find strength in getting politically involved with a cause they care about, like ending gun violence. Others may decide to move to a state that has laws that are more in line with their political beliefs. And still others may leave the country altogether in search of a higher standard of child welfare. There are, of course, financial factors that play into every family’s ability to make these changes, and low-income families are probably the least mobile. (According to the Pew family study, low-income parents, Latino parents, and mothers are all more likely to be worried about their children than other groups.)

I realized during these past few years that children’s books can be an excellent resource for dealing with hard times. There is a part of the Dr. Seuss classic “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” that talks about resilience:

“But on you will go though the weather be foul.

On you will go though your enemies prowl.

On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl.

Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.”

It’s no wonder. With climate change, the rise of artificial intelligence (and related concerns of human extinction), and extreme political polarization, it’s hard to look at the tiny face of a child who’s excited about cartoons and ice cream while you’re wondering if society will make it through another year.

But perhaps the most seen I have felt as a parent in these frightening times is in the poem “Good Bones” by Maggie Smith. In it she speaks of the tension parents feel when trying to hide the terrible parts of the world from their children while also offering them some kind of hope for the future: “Any decent realtor, walking you through a real shithole, chirps on about good bones: This place could be beautiful, right? You could make this place beautiful.”