Moved to the beach, met a man
Q. I moved to a beach area back in 2020 after the pandemic started because I love the beach. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend/relationship at all. I found a job and started working as a part-time server (I should say: I’m a retired 58-year-old lady). The job was at a local restaurant, and I was there for about two years.
Within the first four months, the assistant manager (62) was flirting with me. I flirted back because I really liked him. Finally, he asked me to go on a cruise with him, and I did. Then, seven cruises later, I saw a picture of a young girl (a relative?) on his phone. I asked who it was and he said it was none of my business.
I immediately got upset and left. Eventually I moved back to where I’m from, not too far away (North Carolina). He kept in touch a little and eventually came to my state, and we spent time together. He invited me on another cruise, and I went.
I just can’t understand what we are to each other. Since I moved, we’ve seen each other every few months. During one visit, he met my sisters and was great to them, treating us all to a night out. I love him, but I don’t know if he’s just playing me and where this is going.
CAN’T UNDERSTAND
A. Is he playing you? I don’t know.
Is he capable of giving you the kind of relationship you want? Probably not, based on what you told us in your letter. You might not be looking for a serious partnership, but you don’t want to be with someone who’s a giant mystery.
This man shows up, is good company, then goes back to the beach. Not a bad situation, but you only get to know so much about his life. That doesn’t seem to be enough for you. The cruises sound fun (you obviously like them; you’ve been on so many cruises), but then what?
You can ask him what you want to know — why he wouldn’t talk about the person on his phone, whether you’re exclusive (that would be good helpful information, right?), and how he feels about you, in general. If he doesn’t want to be transparent about any of it, you can feel better about letting go. If he has something to say, please listen. He might explain a few things, but pay attention to what he doesn’t share.
It sounds like you want to be with someone who doesn’t keep secrets. Even if the relationship isn’t serious, it should be honest. Your love is best spent on someone who wants to answer your questions.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
I’d say what you are is a fun time.
OUTOFORDER
Neither of you are being honest. You are not being honest [about] what you want, and he is not being honest with his mystery phone pic (which might not even be a big deal).
SUNALSORISES
Let’s just look at it from his perspective: You’re this lady who breezes into his restaurant to take a “break” from the seriousness of the world and live on the beach, you hop on cruises together soon after meeting, you move away not long after . ... What have you done to demonstrate any sort of interest in commitment/a serious relationship?
ELLLEEM
You’re in this situation completely and totally because of what you’re choosing not to do — express your feelings. It has nothing to do with Mr. Love Boat. Much more important: your passivity and letting him have all the control. You’re giving him tacit permission, a green light, all systems go. By continuing to see him, you’re handing over your power ... on a silver platter. Either speak up or accept that you’re allowing your fate to rest entirely with him.
EACB
There’s only one person who can answer these questions and it’s not Mere or any of the commenters.
STRIPEYCAT
^And she’s already asked him and was told it was none of her business. Sounds like an answer to me.
WIZEN
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.