Eight tips for getting along with your live-in partner
Pros with expertise in different parts of domestic life weigh in with advice for cohabitating couples
It’s almost October. That means people who moved in with partners Sept. 1 might be starting to freak out a little. Maybe their city apartments feel smaller. Perhaps their significant other’s watercolor portrait of Tom Brady, now hanging over a shared dining room table, has started to look menacing.
Maybe the toilet seat is down when it should be up. Or vice versa.
Sharing space can be difficult, especially for those who’ve never done it before, at least not with a romantic partner. Yet cohabitation feels more necessary than ever for those on a budget. Massachusetts is the third most expensive US state for renting a home, according to the National Low Income Housing Coalition. Zillow, meanwhile, says the average rental in Boston costs $3,300 a month (for any number of bedrooms), a $126 increase from last year. Census data show that young unmarried couples are moving in together in record numbers.
It makes sense to split costs when one can. But how can couples who have lived in separate homes — and happily — move in together without ruining what they have?
As an advice columnist, I hear this question a lot, mainly from people who are used to living alone or with roommates, where boundaries are clearer.
I’ve never lived with a romantic partner, so to answer this question, I went to some professionals with expertise in various aspects of domestic life. Their tips may be helpful for the many people who moved in together on Sept. 1 — and those who’ve shared an address for years.
LEARN TO PART WITH IT Rachel Carlino-Dangora, of Make Peace
With Organizing
Carlino-Dangora says Step 1 in organizing, is to “declutter before you pack.” Don’t wait until you get to the new place to get rid of what you no longer need. If it’s too late for that, she said, do the paring down now, but set reasonable goals. Decide, for example, to spend two hours or so going through one part of a room. There should be no expectation that you’ll make everything perfect in a day. And if the task seems too overwhelming, consider a professional like her. “It’s a third party, right? So it’s not your partner and it’s not a family member. It’s somebody who does this all the time, who can really keep you on track,” Carlino-Dangora said. “Because a lot of people will say ... we’re going to clean out our garage and organize — and now it’s two or three years later.” Third parties are also really good at helping people decide what they don’t need, without things getting heated or personal.
BE ALONE SOMETIMES Elly Humphrey, of Queer Therapy Boston
Very happy couples might be shocked to learn that a move-in causes them strife, Humphrey said. But that doesn’t mean they made a bad decision. Change, she said, involves discomfort. “You are going to be learning new things, and there are likely to be some bumps in the road ... that’s normal,” she said. Humphrey advises couples to talk about finding alone time and how much they need. “You can’t possibly spend every minute of every day together,” she said, so ask, “‘When are there going to be natural breaks in our quality time together? Like we might be home at the same time, but we both might need quiet time, or time to focus on our hobbies, or time to spend with other people.”
TO EACH THEIR OWN NIGHTSTAND Jess Harrington, owner of JessFinessed, a home staging and design company
Harrington, who works in homes around Greater Boston, is constantly thinking about how to make rooms look nice, but also keep them functional. She has lots of tips for people in small spaces, including investing in wall-mounted shelves and curtains that can separate rooms to create privacy. But one of her ideas — more of a philosophy, really — stuck with me: people are bound to get cranky if they don’t have a bedside table. That makes sense to me: When I stay at other people’s homes and don’t have a nightstand for my book, inhaler, and glass of water, everything winds up on the floor. Don’t sacrifice furniture that’s part of the daily routine. “Fit a queen mattress on a smaller bed frame and still have the same wall space, so you can get two surfaces. I think it’s really important for a couple, for both people, to have space on their side of the bed.”
CHOOSE ART WITH MEANING
Jane Carney, of Boston Art
Boston Art has big clients like hotel chains and collectors, but Carney, an art consultant who studied at Simmons University and the Sotheby’s Institute of Art, understands the importance of two people feeling at home in their space, even when their tastes differ. “Art, at its core, is storytelling,” Carney said. “I’m constantly trying to ask couples to do the same exercise. What does this piece mean to you and your family?” The question can make it easier to prioritize — and inexpensive art can have a lot of importance.“My favorite thing in my apartment is a poster that was in a gallery, [a] free takeaway,” Carney said. “It just says ‘Are you here?’” (The print was part of Jonathan Gitelson’s public art project, with its roadside billboards that prompted people to think about whether people were truly present.) A frame shop put the poster in a shadow box for her, and the piece “has come to mean a lot to me,” Carney said. Another thought for couples: when it comes to art selection, Carney has seen gender bias — against straight men — and that can lead to “male partners losing their identity in a real way,” she said. “It’s about finding the space for all identities to connect,” she said.
CO-PARENT A PLANT
Weslie Etienne Pierre, of Wesleaf Designs and Decor
Pierre, who runs her interior plant design and styling business out of Needham, says couples can learn a lot about each other by caring for a plant together. “It’s having a conversation about who’s going to be responsible,” she said, adding that couples can put plant responsibilities on a joint calendar to make sure everyone gives plants enough water — but not too much. (Yes, there’s a metaphor here. Most plants die because they get too much love, so take note.) As an added benefit, Pierre notes, “We do know plants increase productivity. They liven up the mood and there are some neurological affects there.” Easy plants to start with? A snake plant, which produces oxygen and purifies the air. Once a couple gets confident, they can move on to a “fiddle leaf fig. They require a set schedule.”
NEVER, EVER, RUN OUT OF EGGS Mike Betts, personal chef
I consulted Betts, figuring chefs know a lot about keeping households happy. Betts, who has worked for a range of clients and now runs a service that matches personal chefs with people who need them — listed three simple ingredients for cohabitating couples to have on hand: “salt, pepper, eggs,” because, he explained, you shouldn’t have to leave your house to eat breakfast. Betts also said to have beans on hand — the ones in cans are fine — and lentils. Then he added miso, followed by a bunch of ingredients I’ve never had in my cabinets, including “parmesan rinds.” (The thing about chefs is that they’ll keep adding to the grocery list.) Incidentally, if you move in with someone who cooks, prepare for counters to be cluttered. “I don’t believe in putting away your cooking equipment,” Betts said. “I have too much stuff on my counter right now. There’s a blender. A standing mixer. There’s a food processor, there’s a rice cooker, and there’s tons of tools. They’re always out. If you put them away, you’re not a cook.”
CLEAN FOR ALL SEASONS
Lakeisha Germain, owner of Grace
Cleaning Company
Germain began to think differently about running a cleaning company after the pandemic started. “Our house became the office, it became a school, a restaurant.” The need for help with cleaning became extra important — and Germain believes there’s a connection between a clean space and mental health. Having gotten married and moved in with her husband last spring, Germain also knows how complicated it can be to keep a shared place tidy. She recommends developing a system — whether each of you is assigned rooms to clean, or you agree to clean on a specific day of the week. But she stressed that one plan won’t work forever. Cleaning tasks change by the season, so the conversation for fall can — and should be — revisited before winter. To those couples who didn’t have an honest talk about cleaning before moving in, “It’s never too late.”
GET TO KNOW YOUR LEASE Christopher T. Saccardi, of Broderick Bancroft & Saccardi, attorney specializing in landlord-tenant law
I called Saccardi because, hey, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. He said couples should know that most leases bind everyone who signs them. Meaning, if one person decides to leave, both parties are still on the hook for rent, and a landlord can go after every person who’s signed the lease. That said, most landlords will negotiate an early exit if that’s what’s necessary, Saccardi added. There might be an associated fee. “Typically, it might be a month or two of rent,” he said. “What a landlord will often say is, ‘I’m happy to work with you, but you’re on the hook for the rent until I replace you.’” Everyone should read a lease carefully, but it’s not worth asking for a bunch of provisions in case of a breakup, Saccardi said. “It’s not always great to start off a relationship with a landlord saying, ‘How do I get out of this?’”
Or with a partner, for that matter.