Is my friendship preventing me from finding love?

Q. Ten years ago, I went into business with a friend of mine. Before we became friends, he expressed romantic interest in me. I wasn’t attracted to him but said I’d be open to a friendship, and he said he’d be interested in that.

A couple of years later is when we became business partners and cofounded a startup that we are still trying to make succeed. He’s invested in the business. Throughout this time, we’ve gotten to know each other really well. We spend day after day working together. We also travel together, not just for the business but for fun, too.

Typically, we’ll do our own thing on the weekends — we spend so much time together that I really want to hang out with other people — but occasionally we’ll get together. He’s become a really good friend and I can talk to him about almost anything. He’s very generous and has helped me out financially. He’s been helpful in other ways too; I always feel like I can count on him and he can absolutely count on me.

Because we’re in business together, we’ve entered into a kind of marriage. However, I feel no romantic attraction toward him and I’ve never led him to believe otherwise. I think of him more like a family member. He’s an introvert, kind of a gamer type, and I don’t think he’s ever been in a romantic relationship. We never talk about anything related to dating or romance. I’ve dated off and on during these years but nothing ever turned into a relationship, and I haven’t spoken to him about my love life. I have no idea if he’s holding out hope that maybe I’ll be interested in him or if he’s just accepted that this will only be a friendship.

My worry is that if I do enter into a romantic relationship, I will lose the friendship with him. I don’t want it to change. How do I prevent losing the friendship and the closeness we have? Things have become very complicated because our lives are so intertwined. I feel that maybe I’ve avoided entering into romantic relationship because I’m afraid of my relationship with my friend/business partner changing in ways I wouldn’t want it to change, and that would crush me and it might crush him. I know this is a very co-dependent relationship but this is where I find myself. Your thoughts?

JUST FRIENDS A. Your friendship with this man will change no matter what.

Over time, your business responsibilities will shrink or grow. One of you might move, or maybe you’ll hire another staff person who makes it easier for both of you to take days off. Enjoy what you have now, but know that it’s temporary — because that’s life.

It might help if you foreshadow this by having a conversation about goals. You and this man are business partners and friends; you’ll want to help each other achieve big things over the next five years or so. It might be nice, on an evening out, to ask, “Hey, where do we want to be professionally — and personally — in 2028?” Tell him you’re hoping for a healthy business life, a great community (including him), and a romantic relationship with someone fantastic.

Then ask him what he wants. Listen and ask questions. Explain that you want to support him as he gets every good thing. At that point, it’ll be out there — the hope that change will happen.

You don’t have to tell him about every date after that, but at least the two of you will have acknowledged that if all goes well, life should look different than it does now. That’s how it all works.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

Here’s a thing you seem not to have considered: What if he enters into a romantic relationship with someone else? You can bet that girlfriend isn’t going to tolerate you two spending so much time together.

STRIPEYCAT ^Exactly: could happen any time. If you “never talk about anything related to dating or romance,” he could be on apps right now. RANDOMKINDNESS

Do you have any realistic expectation that your business will succeed? One of the hardest things is knowing when to walk away from a cherished project. I’m not saying it’s time to do that, but it’s something to assess. You seem overly dependent on your business partner financially. Maybe you need to become more independent in all ways.

BLUEAWNING

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