We built a relationship in pandemic mode

Q. I have been with my boyfriend since [late] 2019. We were in the early stages of our relationship when the pandemic started (long-distance then, now we’ve been living together for two years). At the time I was 22 and had finished college less than a year before.

My boyfriend is incredible — without exaggeration, he is the nicest person I have ever met. He constantly looks out for my needs, does his part to take care of our shared home, and makes all of the hard times easier with his humor and steadiness. We are amazingly compatible in many ways — financial values, hobbies, sense of humor, communication needs, etc.

In the last year, I have questioned whether I want to be with him anymore. It isn’t anything specific; I just don’t know if I want this. I often feel like I blinked and now I’m an adult living this life that I may or may not have chosen for myself, given the chance to step back and think about it.

So much of our relationship was built on getting through the pandemic. I feel ready to spread my wings and get out of survival mode, and I’m not sure how to do it from here. Part of me thinks that maybe I’m just mourning my 20s as I approach the next phase of my life. Maybe it’s normal to feel this way, to compromise on excitement and inspiration in favor of the comfort and stability of a long-term relationship. The other part of me feels like I need something else. I don’t know what that is, but I don’t want to look down the long road ahead of me and feel “meh” about the life I’m choosing.

In some ways, I feel like I can’t go wrong. I have a great relationship, and I know I would be OK alone if I chose to end it. On the other hand, I feel a deepening sense of anxiety about staying with him, but the idea of throwing away this amazing relationship to pursue something I can’t even name is really hard.

I’m sure you hear questions like this all the time, but I’d appreciate any insight you have on getting through your late 20s, particularly in this strange time.

27 A. I know many couples who met in their early 20s and found adventure together over the years. Maybe they packed up everything and made a big move, pursued new activities, or found ways to travel.

I assume you could have a different kind of life with your partner, if that’s what you wanted. But it sounds like you have a strong need to try life on your own.

I don’t think this nagging feeling is simply about grieving your 20s, by the way. The next phase of your life will involve huge, exciting things, no matter what. Your 30s will also feel hopeful, scary, exciting, and new.

Really, it sounds like you want to be told you can/should leave your good relationship — and we can do that here. Sure, it’ll be painful, and yes, you might write me a letter in a year saying, “Why am I having bad dates?” But that’s life. It’s ups, downs, and weirdness in between. Sometimes you navigate the journey with one person, other times you’re in a group or by yourself.

Just so you know, the pandemic did affect many relationships; I assume some couples wouldn’t be together — or wouldn’t have broken up — if the world hadn’t changed so much in 2020. But it did, and a lot people wound up in new places, with wildly different plans and priorities. You landed in a very domestic, grown-up household that you no longer want. It’s not too late to make a change.

At the very least, talk to your boyfriend about these feelings. Maybe you’ll learn he’s been thinking the same thing.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

In 10 years, you will be longing for this guy, who will be happily married with two kids.

VALENTINO --

The pandemic took up 20 percent of your 20s. You still have [much] of your 20s ahead of you.

BIGSIGH

Don’t throw away a great relationship because you’re confused. You have a great thing going with a great guy. GOSPELOFGMAN

I’m going to give you some biased feedback as someone who married very young and had all the same feelings you do: Trust your gut and end the relationship. I ended up divorced at 24 and living my best life through my 20s and 30s. I don’t have regrets. PENSEUSE

He’s a great person. You’re also not in love with him. Both of those things can be true. Time to let him go.

BONECOLD

Do not take your boredom out on your boyfriend, who you obviously take for granted. Rather, make a list of everything you would like to do to break out of “survival mode.” Share that list with your boyfriend and see if he has ideas of his own. Work on shared goals together and different goals apart. Small changes add up to big changes, and you will be surprised to see where you two are a year from now. Also, read this column every single day for at least a month. It will make you see what you have is rare and it shouldn’t be tossed away simply because you feel old at 27.

COMMENTOR2

You’re procrastinating about a decision you’ve already made, from the sounds of it. Put the boot on the other foot (it likely will be one day) and ask yourself how you would like a partner who has fallen out of love with you to break up with you. After that, you should light a fire under your posterior and get on with the job.

AULDYIN