It turns out there’s an age gap
Q. This summer I met someone while out walking, and we hit it off right away. She appeared young, but age never really came up. We went on a few coffee dates, all of which were interesting and full of joy. When she wasn’t working her retail job and I had some free time from my 9-to-5, we’d go on long walks in the town we both grew up in. It felt like a great summer fling that never went too far — but then something happened that has put me in an awkward spot.
It turns out her job was just a summer job and she was returning to college. It was then that I realized she was just 21 years old. I can’t get over how much of a connection we had, but now I feel like I am in a position that would result in me being judged by others even if we did ever get together for a true relationship.
I am in my early 30s and haven’t had many connections as strong as this. Do I wait, or is this something that’s just never going to happen?
ANONYMOUS
A. I remember the day a psychologist friend told me that most people’s brains don’t fully mature until they’re 25. Suddenly, a lot of my own choices from that era made sense!
I’m not saying a 21-year-old can’t make good decisions or be wonderful company. But you and this woman are in very different places in life. At 31 and 43, things might feel great, but at 21 and 33 (or whatever you are), this doesn’t work. You made that clear in your letter.
The decision has been made for you because she has other priorities. She’s back in college and you’re home. Please wish her the best and stop communication.
Even if she were staying around town, it would be time to move on. I say this not only because of what other people would think of you (you’re already uncomfortable with the potential judgment), but because you’re looking for a big connection.
Seek out more people who seem like peers. Ask them all about themselves — including their age and where they are on their path.
Know that people over 30 can be busy with work, friends, and responsibilities. Sometimes it takes longer to click with them, but it’s possible.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
When I got married, I was 23 and pretty fresh out of college, and my wife was 30 and wondering why I talked about college so much. Things have been going fine since. To me the real problem with age gaps isn’t so much that people change (sorry Mere, but people keep changing after 25, thank God). It’s with the fact that often there ends up being a kind of structure of disrespect or paternalism built into the relationship because of the different levels of life experience. If she can be someone whom you look at and think, “I better get it together; this person is better than I am at life,” then I don’t think the age gap matters that much. But if you look at her and think she’s your ticket to recapturing the glory days in college or whatever, you will have big problems.
PRINCEHANS
My husband is 17 years older than me, so I am obviously a proponent of age gaps where the guy is more experienced, established, and mature. Go ahead and date younger, as long as you really care about her as a person ... and are willing to deal with occasional immaturity on her part as she learns life lessons.
LITTLEPENGUIN456
In all likelihood, it won’t work out because she is in college and you are “home” — but you don’t know for sure unless you give it a shot. Give it a shot and be prepared for whatever.
SUNALSORISES
You now have a warm memory from the Summer of ’23. Enjoy that memory while moving on with your life.
JESNANA
Sounds like you spent a lot of time together but didn’t talk about the basics. She is at the age everything is just for fun and experiences. Start the most important part of your life with someone you can share everything with.
SMOKEYDABEAR
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