Widowed man falls for former sister-in-law
Q. I am a 60-year-old widowed man. My wife of over 30 years passed away four years ago after a long illness.
My late wife’s sister and I started spending time together about six months ago. We have many shared interests and have always gotten along very well. She has been divorced for several years.
Our relationship has turned romantic, and we are in love. We discuss our future together and want to make this work.
So far we have kept our relationship a secret. There are adult children on both sides. There are several family members, along with our children, that we will have to tell.
Are we wrong in pursuing this? How should we tell our children and other family members? We’re concerned that even one unaccepting person may be the grounds to break this up and cause years of tension.
My marriage was wonderful, and all the family relations on both sides are great — for now. Your advice?
WORRIED
A. Congratulations to both of you for finding love at this stage of your lives. You are not wrong to pursue this relationship — you are lucky!
My main recommendation is that you go into this understanding that your relationship might come as a shock to some family members, that some might not like it, and that these people might act out in a variety of ways.
Your attitude throughout is vital — in terms of telegraphing how this will go.
You should both remain calm, patient, and adopt an understanding attitude. What you should not do is convey that any family member (including your adult children) will have the power to manipulate you into breaking up your relationship.
You should tell your children and she should tell hers — at the same time and separately. Tell them that you two are dating, that you are very happy, and that you both believe it is time to let family members know.
Do not allow any negative reactions to trigger you. Simply let people react, answer any questions honestly, remain calm and reassuring: “This will be fine. You’ll be OK.”
I don’t think it’s wise to tell people right away that you are planning a longer-term future together, only that you’re dating and happy. You should then tiptoe out of your cone of secrecy, take things slowly, and enjoy yourselves.
Q. My 4-year-old grandson was diagnosed with a serious and chronic condition 10 months ago. The outpouring of help and support at the beginning has dwindled to a trickle.
The goal of this letter is to remind readers that there are many helpful things they can do to assist families, like my daughter’s, to not feel so alone.
Send a text with a beautiful photo or funny meme, call and ask how they are doing, pick up a prescription or grocery order, drop off something to eat, set up a playdate with the children. Be empathetic. Let the family know you care.
When there is a chronic condition, every single day is a struggle with the unknown. EVERYONE in the family is affected.
The courage and devotion of my daughter and son-in-law is beautiful. Their entire life revolves around keeping their child safe. Even in the midst of all of the unknown, they find time to be playful with their children and to have as normal a life as possible.
Please reach out and let someone know you care. Thank you!
LOVING GRANDMA
A. Your helpful suggestions apply to many different situations. When a family is in crisis, they start walking down a very lonely road. Keeping in regular contact and offering (and delivering) practical assistance will help this family to feel less alone.
Q. I have a question concerning etiquette: Is it OK for a friend to take a photo of you while you’re eating and to not even let you know?
My friend did this. I called her the next day to ask if she could send me the photos she took (as I always share photos), but she didn’t send the one she took of me eating.
I asked her about that specific photo and she said she couldn’t find it. What do you think?
UPSET
A. No, it is not OK to take a photo of someone eating without their permission. In my opinion, it is not OK to take a photo of anyone doing anything without their permission.