Why was a dating app on my boyfriend’s phone?

Q. The other day, my boyfriend asked me how to find something on his phone in his settings. While looking at the apps he had on his phone, I saw one I’d heard of as a dating app. It’s marketed as a place to “find friends” ... but I know for a fact people use it as a dating app.

When I asked him why he had the app, he responded that he must have forgotten to delete it. He wasn’t quite sure what the app was, but when I explained it to him, he attempted to reassure me that he’s extremely forgetful and must have forgotten to delete it before we got together. He opened the app and showed me he wasn’t logged in, and I even asked to see his app history, which showed it was downloaded before we met each other.

On one side of things, this is extremely believable because he is one of the most forgetful people I know. I keep track of his keys and wallet because he never knows where they are, and recently he forgot his own mom’s birthday. On the other hand, this brings up so many insecurities for me because I found my recent ex talking to other women when I went through his phone.

My boyfriend had given me absolutely no reason not to trust him prior to this, but now I have a deep need to question everything. I have a history of an anxiety disorder and am a chronic over-thinker, making it hard for me to trust my own judgment, especially because of my past. Now I’m left questioning not only my boyfriend but my own judgement.

He keeps asking me what he can do to help me believe that it was an honest mistake, but I don’t know. He showed me his history on other socials because I started to doubt he wasn’t talking to people. My mind is very flustered, so some guidance or advice would be nice. I really love him and he’s been such a good partner to me, but this is difficult.

FLUSTERED

A. The guy who shows his girlfriend his phone settings probably doesn’t have anything to hide.

Also, I’m not the most organized person (an understatement), and because of your letter, I looked at my phone today and noticed about 10 apps I don’t use, including a few I downloaded years ago.

The impromptu audit inspired me to delete a bunch of stuff, but otherwise those apps would have been sitting there forever.

The bigger issue here is why you can’t give yourself a break and let this go. I understand why you fear betrayal. Also, I have great empathy for over-thinkers, as a member of the club. But you have to figure out a way to stop the routine after a threat turns out to be no big deal.

The dating app isn’t an issue, so how can you move on? Do you have exercises you can do to stop thinking about something that scared you? Would it help to listen to music, call a friend and ask about their day, or step outside for a change of scenery?

I recommend talking to a therapist about ways to break out of these moments. Also, ask about making peace with an uncontrollable future. You and your boyfriend might break up for reasons that have nothing to do with an app or cheating. Maybe you’ll get bored with each other. You also might wind up together forever, and happily so.

You can’t predict your path. All you can do is make decisions with the information you have, which is exactly what you’ve done. You’re allowed to move on from a difficult moment and enjoy what’s in front of you.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

You’re sabotaging the relationship by not trusting him. Either trust him or get out. (Or he will make the choice for you.) JACQUISMITH

Your history with your ex is not his problem. It’s your issue (anxiety, fear, paranoia, inability to trust, etc.), and you need to work on it, likely with a professional.

JIVEDIVA

There is something fortuitous about this unfortunate situation. He is not a catch if you have to help him with basic life skills. I know it’s nice to feel needed and indispensable, but you could find a guy that WANTS you, not NEEDS you to function.

LITTLEPENGUIN456

Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.