I’m cynical about love, and have never experienced the real thing
Q. I am 21. I have dated and tried casual flings to escape the threat of loneliness. I tend to fall in love with the idea of people rather than their actual selves. I am aware that I have an avoidant attachment style when it comes to romance (I totally blame my parents for this).
I love reading and writing about love, but I’ve never experienced it. How do you learn to let someone in when you’ve been raised by liars? I guess I am wondering if love is worth the price of having more people in life let you down.
How can I rewire this cynical perspective?
You can call me Frat Princess. All my best guy friends do.
FRAT PRINCESS
A. It would help to surround yourself with people who treat you well. Pay attention to the kindness they show you — and others.
If the people in your life aren’t great to you — if their behavior supports the idea that everyone is bound to let each other down — seek some new friends. I say this hoping that your nickname is a term of endearment. If your guy friends aren’t showing you respect — and if they’re not being honest to the people who care about them — maybe they’re not the best company.
At 21, everybody’s still figuring out who they are and how to manage relationships. Hurting someone’s feelings is inevitable. But respect and thoughtfulness help. The more examples of healthy relationships I’ve seen in the world, the more optimistic I’ve felt about having them.
That’s my best brain-rewiring advice — to build the community that shows you what’s possible. Also, when talking about this, avoid the absolutes. You tend to fall for the idea of people, but that’s not something you always do. You don’t know what would happen if you met someone wonderful.
If your parents’ behavior follows you everywhere, look into therapy. We can learn to accept our family experience without letting it dictate all future decisions. Talking to a professional can help you figure out how.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
I was in love for several years with a woman who lives in Milwaukee — my Brat Princess.
E_LOCKSMITH
This letter is more about your parents than it is about love. If you need a supportive therapist to help you deal with your baggage from childhood, now is an excellent time in your life to find one. You’re old enough to be independent but still young enough to grow and change. Maybe there’s a part of you that wants to say, “Look Ma and Pa, I can never fall in love because of what you did to me.” Maybe you’re afraid if you do fall in love you’ll be denying all the pain of the past and going along with the idea that “everything’s all right.” That’s not true. PHILONIA
Here’s another way to combat loneliness: Figure out what kind of career you want and work toward that. Do a good job and you’ll have colleagues who respect you. Create your own financial security. Love will probably find you, and, meanwhile, you’ll have a life that’s more meaningful than moping about romance and blaming your parents. BLUEAWNING
^I agree with BlueAwning. A career and interests you can feel passionate about will widen your circle of acquaintances and make you a happier person, with more chances to meet Mr. Right. And you may be better off with men who are somewhat old fashioned and conservative in their lifestyle. They do exist if you look in the right places. Weed out the guys who mainly want a one-night stand or something casual.
LEXGAL This is a great time to process childhood issues. You will be at an advantage, because a lot of people don’t heal their emotional wounds until their 30s or 40s. Make a promise to yourself: You WILL find love, and WILL NOT settle for a relationship like your parents’. The cycle of dysfunctional families stops with you! Therapy, quality self-help books and videos, introspection, asking advice from wise older people ... this will help you learn about healthy love. Your writings are a great technique for processing your new ideas!
LITTLEPENGUIN456
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.