My boyfriend slept with my mom (before we met)

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Q. I’m a 27-year-old woman with a boyfriend. I finished grad school and met the love of my life. He is kind, he is funny, he’s great in bed, and I have never been so happy. We’ve been together for a year now. But something happened just recently and I don’t know what to do.

My mom and dad divorced when I was in college, and I had a lot of problems dealing with that. I lived with my mom most of that time, and am now in my own place, which is so freeing. I met my boyfriend after I started working full time, and we hit it off from the very first meeting. I swear we fell for each other on date two. It was totally fun. I wanted to go slowly and he totally was fine with that.

Last year, I felt it was time to introduce him to my mom, and I thought that introducing him to her first would make it easier to introduce him to my dad. Everything went well. We met at a restaurant and had dinner and conversation and everything. After dinner, my boyfriend and I went back to my place, and that’s when everything went crazy. My boyfriend told me that he had slept with my mom in the past. I was completely shocked. I couldn’t believe it.

My boyfriend explained that before we met, he and some friends had been out to a bar, and he met my mom there. He said they had chatted and shared drinks and she had taken him home for the night. He told me it was the only time they had hooked up, and he never met or contacted her again. He was incredibly sorry and he didn’t know what he should do, but he believed that telling me the truth was the only right decision.

Meredith, I don’t know what to do, or what to think. Should I shut my eyes? Should I forgive him? Should I confront my mom? I love my mom, and I know she has every right to find happiness wherever she can. But with my boyfriend? Somehow, this seems wrong. Please help.

AFRAID OF WHERE TO TURN A. Well. (Deep breath.)

It sounds like you’ve been sitting with this discomfort for a long time. Your boyfriend disclosed his history with your mom shortly after meeting her. The introduction happened last year.

I assume that means you’ve kept the status quo since then. You seem to want this relationship to continue — and that’s OK.

Your mother didn’t go to a bar that night looking to sleep with your boyfriend — because he wasn’t your boyfriend yet. She didn’t betray you. Also, there’s no need to “forgive” your boyfriend for his past behavior because there was no cheating here. He told you about their history as soon as he could because he didn’t want secrets.

I know friends who’ve dated each other’s exes. I know a person who married a sibling’s ex, and everyone in the family is cool with it. This is different, but it’s all about how you and your boyfriend frame it. It’s only as important as it feels.

Also, it’s not like what happens in “The Graduate,” so if you talk to others about this and they bring up that film, don’t watch. At least not now. It’s a classic, but really, save it for another year.

The big question here seems to be about how to address this with your mom, if at all. I don’t know enough about your relationship with her, so I can’t say. Maybe it can be a simple conversation about how you know everyone has a history here, but that it’s ancient at this point, so you’re moving ahead.

Please know that your mom probably wants to protect you. I wouldn’t have expected her to yell, “OMG, I’ve hooked up with this guy!” during a first meeting. She was probably asking herself: “What are the ethics here? How can I center my kid in this wild situation?” She chose to keep her past to herself.

This doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. It also doesn’t have to be anyone else’s business. (Thinking about Dad here. He does not need to be part of this narrative.) MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

I am absolutely judging the mom for prowling the local college bars. I don’t know, personally I wouldn’t mess around with men decades apart in age. LOVE-JONES

^It was one night and she probably just wanted one thing without the hassle — and without involving her social circle. Boyfriend was a consenting adult.

DANGLEPARTICIPLE

I wonder if your mom even recognized him. Your boyfriend and mom do not need forgiveness, it happened before you and he met, there was no deception. Only you can decide if you want to discuss it with your mom based on your relationship with her and what your goal would be (getting it out in the open). As you get to know anyone, you could have found out any number of things about his past (he was accused of a crime, etc.). With each bit of information you need to reevaluate what you learn and whether you are still compatible/interested.

KWINTERS1

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