Distant relationship may not be Mom’s fault

Q. I am writing to you because I have hit a stalemate with my relationship with my mother.

We were always politely distant, but now that my father has died, the distance between my mother and me has grown.

For the past few years I have sent her flowers on the anniversary of my father’s passing. In return I receive a polite email “thank you,” as if she is speaking to a neighbor and not to her daughter. She does not call or email unless it is to share news about someone who is ill or who has passed away.

I have always found her verbal and emotional behavior to be “self-indulgent.” She always speaks in terms of herself and what happens to her. She shows little awareness or empathy to others.

I believe this behavior is “narcissistic” and I am so tired of trying to communicate or create an understanding between us. I’m wondering if you have any suggestions.

EXHAUSTED DAUGHTER

A. Your mother’s behavior might seem narcissistic, but you could consider alternative explanations and perhaps gain insight into your lifelong “politely distant” relationship if you consider what might be behind her behavior.

You might do research on Asperger’s syndrome, to see if your mother has some of the characteristics of a person whose brain doesn’t necessarily process information and emotions the way yours does.

I’m not suggesting that you attempt to diagnose your mother, but, based on your description, her behavior when she attempts to connect or respond to you is outside of the norm.

Learning about neurodivergence could lead you to understand your mother’s reactions to you in a new way, which might change your interpretation and expectations when it comes to her. Or not.

Consultations with a compassionate therapist would help you to untangle your relationship history with both of your parents. If your goal is to find effective ways to cope with your frustration, therapy would help to lead you there.

Q. My parents are in their 50s. They have been married for 30 years and have always seemed happy. They are successful in their respective careers and have been wonderful parents to me and my younger siblings (I am the eldest of three).

My youngest sibling started college this fall, and my folks may have lost their bearings a little bit.

Anyway, during a recent routine phone call my mother told me that she and my dad are talking about “opening their marriage.” I take it to mean that they will have flings with other people, while staying married.

First, I’m wondering why my mother told me this. Does she want me to try and stop them? Honestly, I think this open marriage thing is a terrible idea, but ... it’s their journey and their business.

I’m writing to you because I’d really like your perspective on this.

TAKEN ABACK

A. For some parents, adjusting to an empty nest doesn’t stop at installing a hot tub in the garage. And this cohort of parents — who took care of teens and young adults through two or three years of the pandemic — might be testing their freedom in an acute way.

Your folks might have gone a little haywire. It’s also possible that they’ve had this idea for some time and are just starting to explore it now.

For me, a primary issue is to try to discern why your mother is telling you about this. Her disclosure falls into the “Whoa, TMI, Mom!” category.

When someone discloses something (or asks something) that simply lands like a thunderclap and strikes you silent, a good way to respond is to say, “Can you say why you are telling me this?”

Your mother might be looking for someone to stop them, but embroiling you in this intimate and personal decision is not the kind of “open” marriage she should be having. If she wants to discuss it, this is a topic she should raise with her siblings or friends — not her children.

Q. That question from “Doubting DIL” made me see red. This daughter-in-law was expressing all sorts of “concern” about the way her mother-in-law dresses. Her clothes are too short? Too tight? Horrors.

I wish you had asked her to examine her own motives for trying to “help” her mother-in-law dress differently.

I still dress like the “flower child” I once was. If someone did this to me, I’d have a real problem with it.

FLOWER CHILD

A. I’m with you. Rock on!