If he proposed right now, I’d say no
A note from Meredith: I’m seeking letters about conflicts in long-term relationships, how money affects marriages … and, of course, all of the problems about dating and breakups. Have an experience or question to share? Email loveletters@globe.com.
I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for three years. I broke up with him last year because I felt there was a double standard in our relationship. After six months of being apart, we decided to try and work things out. We have been going to couples counseling and things are still challenging.
How do you know when someone is the person you’re supposed to be with? I ask myself this question regularly, and I’m just confused. Are relationships supposed to be this hard? Are we trying to make something that isn’t meant to be work because we see the good parts of each other?
I used to know that I would say yes if he asked me to marry him, and now if he asked me tomorrow, I would say no. Is it normal to question things or have this much doubt? I love him and care about him. Maybe I’m just too much in my own head.
AM I DOING THIS RIGHT Almost all relationships have difficult moments, even long periods of discomfort.
But if the default state is this, you can let go. You said it best in your letter. Sometimes we stick around because we have history with a person, and because we know they are good humans who mean well. As if most breakups are caused by a person suddenly being evil! Most of the time people are OK — even great — but they’re simply not a good match for us forever.
This is why so many breakups are confusing and complicated — because there’s still something wonderful about the other person, still a big part of them that could be enjoyed and maintained.
I remember being broken up with years ago and asking my now-ex whether he still loved and cared about me. He said, “Of course.” But that wasn’t the point. We weren’t a happy couple, and we were better off loving and caring about each other from afar. (To that man: thank you.)
If it’s difficult to be happy and excited about the relationship after three years — and you know you’d say no to a marriage proposal — talk in counseling about separating. It sounds like there’s no amount of work that can reboot how you feel. Honestly, you make it sound like a breakup would be an exhale for both of you.
Let a third party/professional guide you as you figure out what a life uncoupled might look like and how you’d get there. Sometimes therapists can serve as witnesses as we say goodbye.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
People often misunderstand the sentiment “relationships take work.” Yes, relationships sometimes require difficult conversations and unpleasant compromises, but relationships should not be ALL work. In fact, it shouldn’t take hard work even half the time. If you’re often trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, which it sounds like you are, then it’s not right.
BONECOLD
Are things improving? Or is counseling just beating a dead horse? All relationships take some work, but not all relationships are workable. You’ve already decided to opt out once, it sounds like this may not be the relationship you want.
WIZEN
Most people stay in stale relationships due to a) fear of being alone b) feeling like they have invested years of their lives c) pressure to marry/have children at a certain age d) fear of not finding a better replacement. There seems to be a lack of joy, spontaneity, and crazy-in-love here, so I would say be brave enough to end it.
AUNTTIGGYWINK
Letter writer, you’re not married to him, you don’t want to be married to him. Exercise your options accordingly.
BACKSEATDRIVER85
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/ loveletters.